On horrible people (but certainly babbly)
Jul. 5th, 2011 12:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elionwyr"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” — William Gibson
I posted this on Facebook the other day, partly tongue in cheek, partly with the concern of close friends on my mind. One in particular reacts to my tales of the latest asshattery on the outskirts of my life by saying, "These are horrible people."
Funny thing, that. It should be easy to identify horrible people, shouldn't it? But it's not.
The 90 Day Asshole Test helps. (Give someone a 90 day 'trial' period before you get too close to them. If they're a horrible person, they tend to demonstrate this quality well before three months have passed.) I use that test a lot. And yet horrible people slip through...or (as is generally more the case) they stay on the outskirts, being not-so-kind, exerting an influence you don't notice until suddenly - oh there you were, I just tripped into a puddle of your nasty. Thanks.
A friend posted a quote that also fed into my thinky thoughts:
"What other people think of me is none of my business." - RuPaul
Hand in hand, these two quotes work pretty dang well together. What really matters is what my Self thinks, and not what those horrible people on the outskirts are thinking or saying.
Where it gets tricky is that one negative statement - "Wow, those are ugly shoes!" - tends to carry more weight than a hundred compliments on those same shoes. Our brains shouldn't work that way. Those of us who deal with depression have a harder time, IMO, not giving more weight to the negative because hey, all too often we have that negative filter on when we look at our Selves, so a criticism? Hell, that just means the filter is correct and those shoes really ARE ugly, and, really, how could you not know that, and..cue the downward spiral. That horrible person lives inside our skull. Good times. Only, ya know, not so much.
(Side note: It's also very true that one random positive comment can make someone's entire day better. Use that power for good, y'all. It's a helluva lot more fun.)
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australian_joe has talked about his ability to change his mood at will. I confess it's something I've been working on, too. I make a concerted effort to focus on positive thoughts, to put out into the world what I want to attract from it. "Thoughts become things - choose good ones." Of late, when I feel the depression filter drifting into place, I...go work with plants, or I head off to the gym. I'm not entirely able to change my mood at will, but I'm getting better about breaking the cycle.
(I'm still not sure if my depression beast is chemical or if, as my beloved Contrary insists, it is more a result of outside influences. I tend to think it's the latter as well. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it slaps me upside the head, but my toolbox is getting fuller. Woo!)
Anyway.
My point is, it's a little too easy to buy into the negatives that filter in and cause one to lose one's zen. Like when a bully comes in, slaps the ice cream cone out of your hand, and makes it your fault. I think Gibson's right. Maybe the problem is with the horrible person muttering crap in your ear rather than it being anything about you.
Not a new idea, of course. But something I surely have needed reminding of more often than I care to admit.
I posted this on Facebook the other day, partly tongue in cheek, partly with the concern of close friends on my mind. One in particular reacts to my tales of the latest asshattery on the outskirts of my life by saying, "These are horrible people."
Funny thing, that. It should be easy to identify horrible people, shouldn't it? But it's not.
The 90 Day Asshole Test helps. (Give someone a 90 day 'trial' period before you get too close to them. If they're a horrible person, they tend to demonstrate this quality well before three months have passed.) I use that test a lot. And yet horrible people slip through...or (as is generally more the case) they stay on the outskirts, being not-so-kind, exerting an influence you don't notice until suddenly - oh there you were, I just tripped into a puddle of your nasty. Thanks.
A friend posted a quote that also fed into my thinky thoughts:
"What other people think of me is none of my business." - RuPaul
Hand in hand, these two quotes work pretty dang well together. What really matters is what my Self thinks, and not what those horrible people on the outskirts are thinking or saying.
Where it gets tricky is that one negative statement - "Wow, those are ugly shoes!" - tends to carry more weight than a hundred compliments on those same shoes. Our brains shouldn't work that way. Those of us who deal with depression have a harder time, IMO, not giving more weight to the negative because hey, all too often we have that negative filter on when we look at our Selves, so a criticism? Hell, that just means the filter is correct and those shoes really ARE ugly, and, really, how could you not know that, and..cue the downward spiral. That horrible person lives inside our skull. Good times. Only, ya know, not so much.
(Side note: It's also very true that one random positive comment can make someone's entire day better. Use that power for good, y'all. It's a helluva lot more fun.)
australian_joe has talked about his ability to change his mood at will. I confess it's something I've been working on, too. I make a concerted effort to focus on positive thoughts, to put out into the world what I want to attract from it. "Thoughts become things - choose good ones." Of late, when I feel the depression filter drifting into place, I...go work with plants, or I head off to the gym. I'm not entirely able to change my mood at will, but I'm getting better about breaking the cycle.(I'm still not sure if my depression beast is chemical or if, as my beloved Contrary insists, it is more a result of outside influences. I tend to think it's the latter as well. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it slaps me upside the head, but my toolbox is getting fuller. Woo!)
Anyway.
My point is, it's a little too easy to buy into the negatives that filter in and cause one to lose one's zen. Like when a bully comes in, slaps the ice cream cone out of your hand, and makes it your fault. I think Gibson's right. Maybe the problem is with the horrible person muttering crap in your ear rather than it being anything about you.
Not a new idea, of course. But something I surely have needed reminding of more often than I care to admit.
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Date: 2011-07-05 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-05 11:05 pm (UTC)