On horrible people (but certainly babbly)

[elionwyr]

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” — William Gibson

I posted this on Facebook the other day, partly tongue in cheek, partly with the concern of close friends on my mind. One in particular reacts to my tales of the latest asshattery on the outskirts of my life by saying, "These are horrible people."

Funny thing, that. It should be easy to identify horrible people, shouldn't it? But it's not.

The 90 Day Asshole Test helps. (Give someone a 90 day 'trial' period before you get too close to them. If they're a horrible person, they tend to demonstrate this quality well before three months have passed.) I use that test a lot. And yet horrible people slip through...or (as is generally more the case) they stay on the outskirts, being not-so-kind, exerting an influence you don't notice until suddenly - oh there you were, I just tripped into a puddle of your nasty. Thanks.

A friend posted a quote that also fed into my thinky thoughts:

"What other people think of me is none of my business." - RuPaul

Hand in hand, these two quotes work pretty dang well together. What really matters is what my Self thinks, and not what those horrible people on the outskirts are thinking or saying.

Where it gets tricky is that one negative statement - "Wow, those are ugly shoes!" - tends to carry more weight than a hundred compliments on those same shoes. Our brains shouldn't work that way. Those of us who deal with depression have a harder time, IMO, not giving more weight to the negative because hey, all too often we have that negative filter on when we look at our Selves, so a criticism? Hell, that just means the filter is correct and those shoes really ARE ugly, and, really, how could you not know that, and..cue the downward spiral. That horrible person lives inside our skull. Good times. Only, ya know, not so much.

(Side note: It's also very true that one random positive comment can make someone's entire day better. Use that power for good, y'all. It's a helluva lot more fun.)

australian_joe has talked about his ability to change his mood at will. I confess it's something I've been working on, too. I make a concerted effort to focus on positive thoughts, to put out into the world what I want to attract from it. "Thoughts become things - choose good ones." Of late, when I feel the depression filter drifting into place, I...go work with plants, or I head off to the gym. I'm not entirely able to change my mood at will, but I'm getting better about breaking the cycle.

(I'm still not sure if my depression beast is chemical or if, as my beloved Contrary insists, it is more a result of outside influences. I tend to think it's the latter as well. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it slaps me upside the head, but my toolbox is getting fuller. Woo!)

Anyway.

My point is, it's a little too easy to buy into the negatives that filter in and cause one to lose one's zen. Like when a bully comes in, slaps the ice cream cone out of your hand, and makes it your fault. I think Gibson's right. Maybe the problem is with the horrible person muttering crap in your ear rather than it being anything about you.

Not a new idea, of course. But something I surely have needed reminding of more often than I care to admit.

Comments

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Love the Gibson quote!

I believe there are social psych studies that show one negative comment or feedback is as powerful as 6-10 (I've heard various numbers) positive ones.

Also while I would be overjoyed to be able to change my mood at will, alas. I can often recognise when I am in a mood that is opposed to how I want to feel (if I call a "mood" a "tendency or predisposition to move or remain in a certain emotional direction no matter what the external world is saying or doing"). I *sometimes* can just change that mood by deciding to. The rest of the time I maybe nudge it some.

Remember, though, "predisposition" is not fate. "Predisposed to be irritable and defensive" just means it takes more work not to be, and that that work will cost more. Moods are, I think, mostly about perception/recognition, and probability, and effort, and resources, and will. Sometimes that's a difficult equation to beat. Sometimes we can beat difficult challenges anyway.

FWIW, what little I know of your situation says that you face a hell of a lot more than just negative comments. Deliberate rumour campaigns as a behaviour is now recognised as severe bullying in schools and workplaces. There are elements of stalking there, too. Keep that in mind.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Ah, I mistyped. My apologies. Still, your words had an influence, so thank you. :)

re: FWIW
I didn't realize it was now recognized as severe bullying. I certainly agree with that assessment. And *nod* regarding the stalking. Between that and the...creative rumour campaign(s) over the past few years, I've become a bit resigned to it all. Including the stalking. But yes, I always keep it in mind.

(And...heh. Funny - but not - that the person spreading the most stories has now tried to interfere in three..no, four...relationships of mine. Makes one wonder whom exactly is stalking whom.)

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

I don't wonder "who is stalking whom". He is d*mn well stalking you and you may have enough evidence to get a restraining order!

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Don't think I haven't thought about it.

Re: effecting mood change

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I try to recognize the thinking pattern that makes me feel depressed, inadequate, etc and change that thinking pattern (aka stinking thinking). (I sometimes use really bad words when I talk to myself about myself and this is what it's about changing the things I tell myself.)

Re: effecting mood change

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*nod nod*

Re: effecting mood change

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Yes. We don't get very far in taking a step back from what people say about us if we are also one of those people. :/

[cypherindigo.livejournal.com]

Love you.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

And I you!

[e-scapism101.livejournal.com]

I give good Pollyanna. Because of this, it surprises people when they find out I have issues with depression...but there are days when I seriously have to concentrate and consciously choose positive thoughts/feelings or I will have a full-on meltdown of epic proportions.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Oy...but yeah, I grok. *hug*

[harkalark.livejournal.com]

Several times over the last few months, I've read your entries and started to post a single sentence, then backed off and not done it because it sounds bitchier than I mean for it to. The words vary, but basically it boils down to this:

You need better people in your life.

I guess I chicken out because then it sounds like a dis (hi, 1992 slang) to the people around you (physically or virtually) who actually are good. And there are plenty. But there are also a lot of toxic influences who more than deserve to be beyond past tense to you. I think the quote at the beginning of this post finally got me to get around to saying what I was meaning to.

Bringing this around to projection (in the psychological sense), I have, sadly, been saying something similar to myself lately: "I need new friends."

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

You are my friend and I trust you. Erego, you are allowed - and encouraged! - to say what you're thinking.

I agree. I need better people in my life. I find myself talking/venting and realizing that my life would be better/calmer without this influence or that person. I'm working on not letting myself passive aggressive my way through situations. That one's tough. Most of us don't like confrontations. But there are people who have been a drain and have been weeded out. More work to be done.

And dang, as always, I wish you lived closer. **hug**

[harkalark.livejournal.com]

Me too. Did I tell you I applied for a job in Philadelphia? Never heard anything from them. And the job description, when I read it, sounded like it was pretty much written exactly for me (everything I want to do and matching up perfectly with everything I've done in the past). So it was probably yet another case of a place already having an internal candidate in mind and only posting as a formality. I hate it when places waste my time like that.

[azurelunatic]

I found that the major difference for me between environmental depression and chemical depression was that when the environmental factor is removed, I tend to bounce back up, but when it's chemical, a little thing can send me down and leave me down and I don't bounce back up.

One of the tools in the box of an old roommate was whenever she caught herself in negative-self-image talk, she'd say ten good things about herself to try and counteract it.