To speak or not to speak?

[elionwyr]

XKCD recently posted a comic that's inspired some pretty varied reactions - discussion thread on the site itself here.

Comic in question:


Truth be told, I read this pretty quickly the first time through, and I thought it was illustrating a game-playing woman. Which annoyed me. But of course what it's actually showing is a scenario where two people are not saying hello because they're shy and/or afraid.

fireheart pointed out the strip and the discussions around it to me. (His videoblog and links to other discussions can be found here.) And our chat inspired some after-talk thoughts to percolate in my head, and so - la! - I am putting virtual pen to paper here.

What I learned early on in Philadelphia was to not make eye contact with people on the street, because when I did, it invited attention I wasn't seeking and didn't really have the social skills to handle. fireheart pointed out that nothing bad actually ever happened to me personally when I did make eye contact and say hi to strangers, and he's right. I would say I've actually gotten more negative treatment when I did *not* raise my eyes. Which was the topic of this woman's blog and this short film. Regarding the film: I've absolutely seen this happen - this aggressive how-dare-you-not-talk-to-me attitude. And I've not seen anyone step in to stop the behavior. We as women are conditioned to either ignore it, or to give the man the attention he's seeking. I remember being on a bus and seeing a woman be badgered into giving a man their phone number, and..it is to my shame that I didn't say anything. I didn't feel it was my place. Perhaps it wasn't. I'm still not sure (obviously).

The whole topic gets more confusing when you consider that the rules change according to where you are. I've been told that people in Philly are colder/ruder than they are in NYC because they don't make eye contact in Philly, nor are they as likely to say hi. If you're in the southern part of the US, being friendly with everyone is ok; if you are further north, you're committing a grave social faux pas. If you are a man and you are friendly, there's that chance - illustrated above - that you're creepy. If you're a woman and you do it in the wrong place at the wrong time, you may be inviting more friendliness than you intend. You may not be..but we're conditioned to be afraid.

I agree with fireheart that if you are able to walk with your head up, be confident, you are radiating strength and confidence and are much less likely to be taken for a victim. And even knowing that, I'm not very likely to start making eye contact on the street, or on the bus. (I quantify that because, within the safety of, say, a con, I am definitely more outgoing..which goes back to my thoughts of it being a social rule sort of thing.)

I think it's better to not be afraid to say, "Hey, nice netbook!" or, "What book are you reading?" I try to be more that kind of person, personally.

We have so many rules and reasons to not talk...no wonder so many of us are so lonely.

Comments

[iwhisperwolf.livejournal.com]

I don't see any evil in this. I see a lot of myself, as many have.

I'm in shape now, Have a love, and am better looking than I've ever been, but I still can't fathom anybody being interested in me.
Every time a woman shows interest I still have to fight that Old "Must be something wrong with her if she likes me." Thought.
And after I do get to know the girl I'm always secretly looking for proof that she would have loved me anyway back when I was chubby.
I've ended relationships for things girls have said out the corners of their mouths about random people.

I'm just too conditioned toward introversion upon first meetings. I'll go back mentally to the disgusted face of the first girl I asked to dance, or some other early trauma.

I don't feel unconfident about myself after that first part is over with... I'm great AFTER first impressions.

And people say that confidence is key with first impressions, but what they often fail to realize is that confidence doesn't come out of thin air, it's based on successes. And the lack of social successes in my earlier life are still influencing the successes I might otherwise have today.
I don't have a pool of "Good job!"'s to lift me up the way most confident people do.
I have to really work for it and pull it outta my backside.

Aaand I'm rambling...

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

But I like it when you ramble!