To speak or not to speak?

XKCD recently posted a comic that's inspired some pretty varied reactions - discussion thread on the site itself here.

Comic in question:


Truth be told, I read this pretty quickly the first time through, and I thought it was illustrating a game-playing woman. Which annoyed me. But of course what it's actually showing is a scenario where two people are not saying hello because they're shy and/or afraid.

fireheart pointed out the strip and the discussions around it to me. (His videoblog and links to other discussions can be found here.) And our chat inspired some after-talk thoughts to percolate in my head, and so - la! - I am putting virtual pen to paper here.

What I learned early on in Philadelphia was to not make eye contact with people on the street, because when I did, it invited attention I wasn't seeking and didn't really have the social skills to handle. fireheart pointed out that nothing bad actually ever happened to me personally when I did make eye contact and say hi to strangers, and he's right. I would say I've actually gotten more negative treatment when I did *not* raise my eyes. Which was the topic of this woman's blog and this short film. Regarding the film: I've absolutely seen this happen - this aggressive how-dare-you-not-talk-to-me attitude. And I've not seen anyone step in to stop the behavior. We as women are conditioned to either ignore it, or to give the man the attention he's seeking. I remember being on a bus and seeing a woman be badgered into giving a man their phone number, and..it is to my shame that I didn't say anything. I didn't feel it was my place. Perhaps it wasn't. I'm still not sure (obviously).

The whole topic gets more confusing when you consider that the rules change according to where you are. I've been told that people in Philly are colder/ruder than they are in NYC because they don't make eye contact in Philly, nor are they as likely to say hi. If you're in the southern part of the US, being friendly with everyone is ok; if you are further north, you're committing a grave social faux pas. If you are a man and you are friendly, there's that chance - illustrated above - that you're creepy. If you're a woman and you do it in the wrong place at the wrong time, you may be inviting more friendliness than you intend. You may not be..but we're conditioned to be afraid.

I agree with fireheart that if you are able to walk with your head up, be confident, you are radiating strength and confidence and are much less likely to be taken for a victim. And even knowing that, I'm not very likely to start making eye contact on the street, or on the bus. (I quantify that because, within the safety of, say, a con, I am definitely more outgoing..which goes back to my thoughts of it being a social rule sort of thing.)

I think it's better to not be afraid to say, "Hey, nice netbook!" or, "What book are you reading?" I try to be more that kind of person, personally.

We have so many rules and reasons to not talk...no wonder so many of us are so lonely.