open letter to writers of vampire fiction

[elionwyr]

Dear Authors,

Please stop writing about vampire fucking.

Pretty damn bored,

Dusti

PS - Throwing a werewolf love interest in to complicate matters? Really doesn't help. First off, it's just not unique anymore. And secondly, they're BOTH predators. Do you really want to have sex with that cow you're about to make into burgers?

..Um. On second thought? Please don't answer that question.



To elaborate:

Yes, Buffy, and Anita, and Bella, and Sookie, and alllllllllllllllllll the rest of the chicks that are hot for some undead lovin' are interesting characters. I've not read the Twilight series, but I'm very fond of the other three ladies. (For all of the smut, at least the Anita books mention the problem of vampires and blood pressure.)

And I can't sing the praises of the Saint-Germain books highly enough, and that series surely has its roots in historical romance.

But oh my friggin' gawd, enough is ENOUGH already.

(ETA the following paragraph:)
While I'm on the subject of what I do NOT need to see in my vampire fiction.. Gentlemen! Please cease and desist with your phallic obsessions in your novels. Vampires that can kill women by breaking their jaws by expanding the size of their manhoods? Ew. Vampire chicas that need to bite off their victim's penii? Dude...and yes, I say 'dude' because I have *yet* to find this in anything written by a woman...DUDE!!!! NO ONE WANTS TO READ THIS!!! You have issues, and you need to stop giving them life on the printed page.

And so, Gentle Readers, I heartily recommend the following (in no particular order) to clear your brains and bedrooms of vampiric semen:

* The Delicate Dependency, by Michael Talbot - vampires as Illuminati; this is the only vampire book I've ever begged for as a gift - and DAMMIT if I loaned this to anyone reading this post, pretty please return it!!! (Note: yes, there is some vampire nookie in here, but it's brief and sorta kinda believable. In that it's really friggin' COLD.)

* Sunshine, by Robin McKinley - an alternate Earth that could easily house Anita, where vampires are bad-ass - yes, I know, I've praised this one before - if you've already read it, just go buy ANYTHING Robin's written...you won't be disappointed

* The Stress of Her Regard, by Tim Powers - vampires as muses

* Vampire$, by John Steakley - if you've seen the movie, erase it from your brain...this is an amazing intense book about the desperate gritty lives of vampire hunters

* Under The Fang, edited by Robert R. McCammon and Martin H. Greenberg - The vampires won. Humans are screwed. (...NOT LITERALLY!!!)

* Fevre Dream, by George R R Martin - Ah, a vampire, a ferry boat, and a dream of a peaceful existence with humans. What could possibly go wrong?

The Traveling Vampire Show, by Richard Laymon - a traveling sideshow boasts as one of its attractions "Valeria, the only known vampire in captivity". But she couldn't really be a vampire...could she? (This book gets pretty graphic and does contain sex, but..well. Read it, and you'll see why I'm including it in this list.)

* The Vampire Tapestry, by Suzy McKee Charnas - Vampire as...parallel evolution? Perhaps. Weyland's never been human, and the way he copes as top predator is nothing short of brilliant.

Comments

[exit-neverland.livejournal.com]

I'm reading "The Historian" by Elizabeth Kostova. So far no hint of Vamp sex. Very rich with history and visual imagery.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

...I *think* I have that one on my shelf. I was looking through last night and saw a title I wasn't sure belonged there...might be this one!

[exit-neverland.livejournal.com]

It's a big 'un. 900 something pages. Can't miss it! LOL

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

hehehehehehehe
Yes ma'am!

[rowancat.livejournal.com]

"Vampires that can kill women by breaking their jaws by expanding the size of their manhoods? Ew."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hell? Where did you read this one?

The second, castration by biting
(hmm, they'd have to be really accomplished deep throaters)
was in several lurid "vampire" movies, which i absolutely refuse
to watch :)

I had the Delicate Dependency from when it first came out.
The mood, the descriptions, the history...
Fantastic book but i lost it :(

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

re: death by phallus

It's called Mastery - the first few pages are GORGEOUSLY written, and all these years later I'm still pissed that the rest of the book wasn't anything NEAR as good.

re: "The Delicate Dependency"
It is apparently a really hard book to hold onto!

(I've never forgotten the petri dish scene, or the concept of all those rooms of abandoned research... I think that's the kind of vampire I would be)

[rowancat.livejournal.com]

Till recently male vampires have been all about
oral sex.
It's a psychosexual thing, focused on seduction.
At least the Saint-Germain books acknowledge this.

[missmelysse.livejournal.com]

THE HISTORIAN was really good. I'd recommend it. I loved SUNSHINE and FEVRE DREAM as well.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Yay!
(Fevre Dream isn't NEARLY well known enough!)

..I feel like I must have read The Historian, but I honestly cannot remember..! Perhaps I've just wanted to for so long..?

[missmelysse.livejournal.com]

It's a moody, dark work that's really more a scholarly mystery than anything remotely horrific, though there are hints of Dracula in it. I think you'd remember it, if you had.

[radiofreerlyeh.livejournal.com]

Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons
Sunglasses After Dark by Nancy Collins
Also, Jonathan Maberry's Ghost Road Blues trilogy, set in a fictional New Hope, PA.

[missmelysse.livejournal.com]

Is Dan Simmons the same author who did the series that began with the woman adopting a Romanian baby?

Or am I completely confused?

[radiofreerlyeh.livejournal.com]

I mostly know Dan's science fiction work, but I really liked Carrion Comfort. Not sure about the series you are talking about. It could be his, just not one I know.

[missmelysse.livejournal.com]

Oh, it is Simmons I was thinking of Children of the Night (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0446364754/ref=ase_askanexpertA/002-2693225-4602418?v=glance&s=books).

Vampirism as a modern blood-borne disease, is the general theme. But I read it eons ago.

[songwind.livejournal.com]

I was going to suggest that one.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

OTOH, Erebus, which suggests vampirism is really porphyria, pissed me right the heck off.

I think the idea could be addressed in an interesting way, but this? This book did not succeed.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

See, I *like* Sunglasses After Dark, but I thought she was too rushed in it - there are some neat ideas but none of them (IMO) get enough development. (My first Philcon, I attended a panel on vampire fic - I was SO SO excited!! - and it was a bunch of people saying, "Anne Rice sucks, Nancy Collins rocks." I was very disappointed..)

And for some reason, my brain keeps wanting to combine Sunglasses and Black Ambrosia by Elizabeth Engstrom...I've never been able to justify that.

Simmons' books never clicked with me, though I applaud his vision.

Never heard of the Ghost Road Blues books! I will add that to my list! Thank you. :)

[radiofreerlyeh.livejournal.com]

Also, for a different kind of book, Brian Stableford's "Empire of Fear". Was a very cool historical vamp novel.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*nod*

[deviant-1.livejournal.com]

I'd love to see more hot mummy humping myself.

[taisiia.livejournal.com]

I'm not a fan of vampire fiction at all but "Sunshine" is a GREAT read.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

You really can't go wrong with McKinley.

[taisiia.livejournal.com]

True dat. The only other books of hers I've read were the Beauty & the Beast themed ones but I have her others on my wish list.

I would read a sequel to Sunshine but she's smart enough to leave us wanting more.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Don't bother reading "Twilight". Horribly slow and stupid and boring, The only fun bit was that the reason vamps don't go out in sunlight is because they are SPARKLY! That still makes me giggle.

[e-scapism101.livejournal.com]

I'm just so grateful that someone else said it. I feel like I'm screaming at a wall when I'm telling people not to bother with Twilight. Meyer lost me when the sparkling vampire was still a virgin after umpty years as a seventeen-year-old. Because, seriously? Also, did everyone in that town really need Bella to show them the magic of dating? (I apologize. I'm having Twilight issues.)

[cissa.livejournal.com]

...Although to give credit where it's *ahem* due, "Twilight" was wonderful for my chronic insomnia. Kept putting me right to sleep. Y'know, the way good books DO NOT. :D

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I am set to borrow the series next weekend.

I'm sorta bewildered by its popularity. And while I obviously include this series in my above open letter, yes, I get that there's no sex. I'm not sure that makes a difference to me, really...but I acknowledge that it's there.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

It's not boring because there's no sex. Unless the sex is spectacularly badly written, I often could not tell you right after reading a book whether or not it had sex in it.

It's boring because Bella is a whingeing lump who'd be a brat if she were not too damn lazy to bother, Edward is a classic creepy abuser-stalker type, and damn near all the book is Bella going on and on and ON about how fabulous Edward is, and then in the last like 50 pages Meyer seemed to remember she needed a plot and so squeezed in one that made pretty much no sense. I guess she followed that model in the rest, though I'm not going to bother to find out myself.

Still- EXCELLENT for insomnia.

[vcmorris.livejournal.com]

Really enjoyed "Sunshine", too. Read "Vampire Tapestry", "Fevre Dream" years ago nd have all the Saint Germain books. Yarboro can be a bit wordy, imho, and I found myself skimming a lot of the descriptions in order to get back to the meat of the story but still quite enjoyable. Have you read "The Dracula Tapes" by Fred Saberhagen? One of my favorites as well. Read "Lost Souls" by Poppy Z. Brite this past spring and it was quite possibly the most despressing vampire book I have ever read. I did not in any way make me want to read anything else by her.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I like Poppy's books for the different take on the mythos. The Fred Saberhagen books are a fav - I was actually just thinking of going back and rereading those.

And for vintage 70's (at least, to me) there is the Dracula series by Robert Lory that is non-serious fun. Our Hero implants a spinter next to Drac's heart and psychically moves it in and out of said heart to control Drac.

...Schlocky, but fun.

[penmage.livejournal.com]

I am going to add Vivian Vande Velde's excellent Companions of the Night to the list. LJ Smith's Night World series is a little less awesome, but Daughters of Darkness is basically what Twilight wishes it was, and in a fifth of the length.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*makes a mental note*!

(I would have included Elaine Bergstrom's Austra vampire series, but I was trying to avoid romancey books. Still, I highly recommend that series - Shattered Glass et al.)

[yakavenger.livejournal.com]

Third-ing (or more) The Historian. Long, but very worth it, and more focused on the mystery than any vampire.

Have you read the Kim Harrison books? The Sookie books were charming in their way, the Anita books went to editor hell in a badly written handbasket, and I'm not familiar with this "Bella"... but the Rachel Morgan series is lovely and very rich with character and small details. I'd recommend those.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Bella is the character in the Twilight series.

I've not read anything by Ms Morgan - will add it to the list! Thank you!

[yakavenger.livejournal.com]

Her website is here: http://kimharrison.net/

Oh, and I'm always glad to enable others with good books! Thanks for your recommendations, too.

[wolfchylde.livejournal.com]

If you don't mind your vampires extremely pulpy, I enjoyed P.N.Elrod's Vampire Files. Nice gumshoe/noir vamps if sometimes a tad silly in spots.

I kinda fell out of Vamp fiction these days, I've been warned off so many of the more... ahem... popular books the last decade or so :D

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I like those, too - I don't think I have the whole series, but I've enjoyed what I've read.

(That the whole vampire-as-detective thing hit its 15 mins of fame and I got bored.)