DRAMA FREE THURSDAY: Defriending

[elionwyr]

I have a confession to make.

I'm a fan girl of popfiend's Drama Free Thursdays posts.

He's not done one of those for about six months now, and so I dropped to my pixelated knee and asked him if he'd mind if I started to post a few of my own. He graciously gave me permission to do so. (Yay!)

Please note, though, that this is MY interpretation of DFT. I'm the only one responsible for anything posted over here under the DFT header.

Got it?

Good.

Let's go be all non-dramatastic, shall we? :D
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I've been actively online since 1986, on all sorts of platforms. And yet I continue to fail at noticing when someone severs an electronic connection with me unless it's pointed out to me, or until I realize that hey, I can't see that person's account anymore. Which must mean...

...Oh. Oh.

It's not that I don't care.

It's that I frequently have the attention span of a gnat.

This past weekend, someone sent me an email to say s/he was defriending me on one of my social media pages. It was, hands-down, one of the kindest, gentlest, sweetest 'I can't be your friend anymore because of another friendship' messages I've ever received.

And I admit that, just for a moment, the Dramamonster poked his head into the room and asked if he could have this dance.

I'm proud to say I replied, "No, I'm gonna sit this one out."

"You sure?" He pulled out a bouquet of ZOMG SOMEONE HATES ME!! flowers.

I wavered. "No. No, I think I'm good. Thanks." I turned back to my computer, wrote a heartfelt "I wish you well" message, and hit 'send.'

Sure, there's a seed of drama in this defriending. A year or two ago, that's all I would have been able to focus on, and I'd have that hate-bouquet on my desk, poisoning the air.

But this is a good person, trying to do the right thing.

We connect with people in our physical world, or in our electronic life, for fill-in-the-blank reason. Sometimes we drift apart, for as many reasons as there are colours on this planet. I still think we do ourselves a disservice by calling it 'defriending' because I think usually it's not a matter of dislike. I don't think everyone that's ever 'defriended' me hates me. I know I rarely ever 'defriend' because of a negative impulse. Sometimes it's lost me a real-life friendship, which is a shame. But it's a choice.

You can choose to see it as drama.

Or you can choose to see it as something else. Maybe your interests don't match up anymore. Maybe you don't interact enough to encourage that electronic connection. Maybe it's an issue of privacy. Maybe you post too dang much and that person doesn't have time to read or look at every single one of your cat pictures. :)

But usually? It's honestly, truly, them and not you.

...Just something to think about



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"Drama Free Thursday" is the brainchild of popfiend - visit here for all of his yeah-you-should-read-'em posts.

The goal of DRAMA FREE THURSDAY is pretty simple: These are posts that offer a different approach to stressful situations. Drama happens when we react without thinking, when we respond emotionally to a situation.

So! The first rule of DFT is - say it with me - "Your Mileage May Vary." What works for me may not work for you. And that's ok.

Second rule of DFT: YMMV. :)

Third rule of DFT: Discussion good. Drama? Not so good. Let's try to avoid it in the comments. Tell me you don't agree, tell me what the world looks like from your perspective, because I can guarantee you're gonna have something to say that I hadn't considered. This blogger's soapbox is only an inch or so high...so please, share your thoughts and perspectives on whatever is posted here. (That rule goes for my LJ in general, of course, but it makes sense to repeat it here.)

<3

Comments

[wouldyoueva.livejournal.com]

I need to keep this in mind. I got defriended by a friend who was dying, and I took it to mean that he was defriending all but those who was dealing with on a daily basis. I'm sorry he felt the need to do that, as it delayed the news he was going into hospice until he was dead.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

(Sorry for the accidental screening!)

That *would* be wicked hard. It sounds like he was doing it out of love - and by doing so, he blocked the love coming in. What a hard place to be for you both..

*hug*

[shadowwolf13]

Oh Honey ... <3, so much <3.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

<3 right back!

[oxymoron67.livejournal.com]

Brava! It is so easy to go all Drama Llama-y over defriending... I certainly have. But you;re explanation of why not to is spot on.

It's funny, though, when I've been defriended, the person defriending me never gave an explanation. I don't know if that's better or worse.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

In the world of LJ, I generally only defriend if/when I'm relatively sure the other person has either left LJ or has defriended me...which is usually a result of lives and interests changing.

I've only had one defriended that exploded into a lost friendship and rippling effects of drama. I could have avoided that had I talked to that person first..I didn't anticipate how badly the whole thing would be interpreted. We probably should have just had a talk and mutually parted ways. Can't fix it; just have to do it better from that point on.

On other social platforms, it's a whole other ballgame...probably because I see LJ as a community, whereas I see most other social network sites as being such a mixed bag.

But to your point - I don't think I've given reasons for disconnecting. It's either not that big a deal, or it's so blatantly obvious that it doesn't need an explanation. :)