That word 'narcissist.' It doesn't mean what you think it means.

[elionwyr]

I'm seeing folks using that word to (wrongly) describe other people.

Allow me to pull out my clue-bat.

Selfish does not equal narcissist.
Self-centered does not equal narcissist.
Self-focused does not equal narcissist.

Sometimes, it's perfectly ok/understandable/acceptable to have blinders on to the outside world because there's something overwhelming going on in one's personal life. For most of us, that's a temporary reality.

A narcissist never - and I do mean NEVER - stops being self-focused. Every little thing s/he does is done with the goal of self-advancement, to promote the person's feeling of self-worth. It's pathological.

What does this mean? It means a narcissist is not capable of being your friend.
You might not notice, because narcissists are also dazzingly charming mofos.

...Until you no longer have a use.

But your narcissist will be surrounded by people that are dazzled. They are sycophants; generally, they do not question or challenge what their narcissist tells them to believe. (Think 'cult leader' and you're not far off the mark.)

If you question, you are removed from the group.

You don't generally see a narcissist without a group around him or her - they feed the ego, they help create a fantasy world for the narcissist to exist within.

Don't see this sort of thing around the person you're calling a narcissist?
Then you're using the word incorrectly. Please stop.

Still not sure what the word means?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder is a decent place to start. In particular, refer to this handy checklist:

# Reacts to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation
# May take advantage of others to reach his or her own goal
# Tends to exaggerate their own importance, achievements, and talents
# Imagines unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance
# Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
# Easily becomes jealous
# Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
# Obsessed with oneself
# Mainly pursues selfish goals
# Trouble keeping healthy relationships
# Is easily hurt and rejected
# Sets unrealistic goals
# Wants "the best" of everything
# Appears as tough-minded or unemotional

If that fits the person in question?
Run - do not walk - away.

Comments

Well said

[janusaries.livejournal.com]

Here's the checklist of narcissistic traits from the documentary film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGTwgX-TUfM

1. Grandiosity
2. Arrogant and domineering
3. Preoccupied with success and power
4. Lack of Empathy
5. Belief of being unique
6. Requiring excessive admiration
7. Sense of entitlement
8. Exploitative
9. Envious of others

Everyone has some of these traits. 3-4 seems to be the threshold for narcissism. 7-8, and you've got yourself a cult leader. All 9, and you've got a potential serial killer.

No, I'm not kidding.

Re: Well said

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thank you for posting this.

[klynn330.livejournal.com]

My brother is a diagnosed narcissist, and let me tell you that made growing up for me MUCH harder. He is genuinely incapable of understanding that something good for him is not good for someone else. Often he is not at all malicious when he is being horrible and cruel. That is because being malicious would require him to consider how other people feel and might react to what he is doing. He simply does not understand that considering other people is part of the equation. I have completely removed myself from his life because there is no other way of dealing with the situation.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've had that in your life..*hug*
I appreciate you sharing this experience, though. The inability to understand is a huge part of the equation..and must have been so frustrating/confusing as a kid..

[klynn330.livejournal.com]

The worst part is that my parents always believed that I was lying or exaggerating when I told them anything. I think this is why I tend to put up with things for much longer than I should.

One of the most frustrating stories was when he was doing a poetry class in High School and turned in the poetry section of "Knights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues. When my parents found out after the fact, after he got an A for that section in fact, they said something along the lines of, Well that teacher was pretty stupid for not being able to figure it out.

Not, Gosh son, did you know that plagiarism is illegal? OR you might want to actually do your own work rather than exploiting other people. His now ex-wife had the same reaction as my parents. Totally flabbergasting.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Gads.

That's something I wrestle with a lot - the way the people around a narcissist will excuse/accept/explain away the bad behavior.

Flabbergasted is a good word.

I hope you're on your way to figuring out a better sense of normalcy.

[klynn330.livejournal.com]

You know, I have to thank you. I think I may have discovered something today.

I wasn't the one who was crazy.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy now, but I wasn't crazy then either. Or wrong.

This should not be quite so mind blowing, but it kinda is...

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I understand. I really do.

I think that's part of the..detox, let's say.

You were neither crazy nor wrong. And I'm glad you know it. *hug*

[cissa.livejournal.com]

My mother is narcissistic. And ALL the family made excuses for her horrible treatment of me... until I opted out of her life, and she started bestowing the horrible treatment on THEM, and then they opted out... but did not bother to try to contact me; I'm sure it was supposedly all my fault.

I figure ape politics explains at least some of that behavior from others.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Oof.
Familiar-sounding, but oof. *hug*

[janusaries.livejournal.com]

I'm also sorry you had to grow up with this. It must've been beyond difficult.

Also sounds like...

[varakesh516.livejournal.com]

borderlines.

Re: Also sounds like...

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I grew up with a borderline...emotion may have coloured my vision, but I think borderlines are just too crazy and without sense of self to be as damaging as a narcissist. But yeah, there's some bleedover -the lack of empathy, the creation of a fantasy world..

(If you ever see a book on autism, "Through the Eyes of Aliens" is the title I think - that was written by a borderline. Which is not to say it's INTENTIONALLY about being a borderline. In her case, being autistic became another fantasy personality. I've no idea if she ever figured it out, or - maybe just as important - had anyone ELSE ever figure it out.)

Re: Also sounds like...

[cissa.livejournal.com]

I dunno if my mother was narcissistic or borderline; she fit both.

The thing is- it's really impossible to have a relationship with either one; they're just not equipped (or interested).

Re: Also sounds like...

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Precisely.