processing (or, not soup yet)

[elionwyr]

Had a difficult conversation yesterday wherein I revealed one of the ways in which - IMO - my brain is broken. Namely, my desire to not have loose ends, to make peace where I can.

I have quite a temper. It doesn't get to make many appearances because I don't like to fight and I really don't..I am still afraid to get truly angry. Angry to me means losing control, turning red and lashing out and I don't want to be that person. And often, I think getting angry means you're really angry at your Self and you can't see it. So. I try to really think things through, figure out if I should be angry and how to handle it if indeed I have a right to it.

But that's not what yesterday's convo was about. :)

A lot of the time, I think I give people too many chances to say I'm sorry. Talking is good. Perhaps...closing doors is good, too.

The convo was sparked by my repeated need to set down boundaries, which have been repeatedly disrespected or tested. Which happens in my life a lot, granted. In this case, I..dang it's hard to say. I think I need to set the boundary and then close the door. And I'm struggling with that, because the person in question is someone I have a lot of history with and used to trust implicitly.

Neither he nor I are the people we were back then. I have only just now started to consider this fact. He broke my trust in some big ways and yet I keep giving him chances because of that implicit trust in my past.

And why? Why give so many chances when they are, logically, not deserved?

It is, I think, for the same reason that I've left myself so easy to find online. By my own choice, I'm pretty much estranged from my blood family. It's what I need for my sanity, and yet I mourn the fact. A lot. I know that it's best for me, because most of my family is, frankly, bad for me. But does it bother me on a very deep level that the brother that was in many ways my twin is someone only..hm...three of you reading actually knows? Damn right it does.

Family is like a Holy Grail of sorts to me. I respect it so much. I delight in seeing other people have family around them.

But I am much healthier without most of mine in my life.

It's a hard decision. And as a lot of you know, I am always hoping someone will want to reach back to me.

It hasn't happened. Not since I moved out of my father's house when I was 17.

And so I don't want to close doors. Not permanently. It takes a *lot* for me to close, lock, and walk away from the door that connects me to someone I care about. (Which I hope is true for most of us.)

I turn 42 in a little over a month. I find myself giving up the hope that I'm going to get that 'hi I want to know you' email from the people I grew up with...the email that would give me hope they've become people that would be a positive addition to my life. (The only email thus far received was years ago off - ancestry.com, I think. An anonymous email sent in response to my seeking info about my paternal grandfather's family, the note said, "Some people aren't worth being found.")

Bit by bit, I'm starting to close doors.

I thought I'd feel sadder about it.

Comments

we need to talk

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

"A lot of the time, I think I give people too many chances to say I'm sorry. Talking is good. Perhaps...closing doors is good, too."

I was going to write, "I could have written those sentences," but I think I have. I have a long history (cf. Peabrain; cf. Deb; cf. far too many freaking people to list) of giving people chances, not just to say, "I'm sorry," but to prove that they've heard me, and will respect my boundaries.

It's hard, but a necessary skill. And it's really hard to do when you have a long history of shared experiences, and you keep telling yourself that if only you can find the right words, they'll understand and stop doing the hurtful behavior, because after all, they have to be able to see that it's hurtful, so it must be you at fault--you aren't making yourself clear...

That may not be precisely the situation you're in, but if it's close, trust me: you are making yourself clear, more than likely; it's them not listening.

*hugs*

Re: we need to talk

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't know why that hurtful behavior bit is so hard to figure out...that it's not you not being clear..

*love*

[h3salthea.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know this pain..really, I do. I have a FB acct with my real name just in the hopes that..some day..maybe..

But nothing.

In the end, I have Friends as Family, and they at least love me for me rather than because of perceived bloodlines..

*morehugs*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*much love*

[cissa.livejournal.com]

An awful lot of people's reactions to explicit boundaries it to try to push them. This is one of the risks and problems with setting up explicit boundaries.

And they will not be gracious about being called on the pushing, either.

I think it is sometimes utterly necessary to set up explicit boundaries. I also think that once one does, one has pretty much chosen to not pursue the relationship, de facto, since almost no one will actually respect such boundaries.

*hugs*

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I personally found that folks wanted back into my life rather desperately once I closed those doors for (what I thought) was for good, least in this incarnation. Let them try to get it right next time around, this time, we are *done*.

So long as they has access to you, there's no real reason to change. They can't be *that* bad, can they, if they still have access to you? Or rather, if you still *allow* it?

Yeah, broke my mind a bit, too. But I'm stronger than all of them put together. My dom side said, *high holy hell*, they aren't getting away with that and, if it means I have to suffer for lack of them, I will, I have, and I have found another way.

Hon--if you really want a connection with them? REMOVE the cords that they have sunk into your heart (at least the area near it). Once that connection is severed, they either have to give you up *or* do something in the physical plane (phone call, perhaps? email? something?) to reconnect. That's just how it works. Goddamnit, why don't folks teach us this in grade schoool? Oh, right, because they don't want us to take back control over our lives.

If you don't understand how to do this, post asking? Little doubt folks you know will have less trouble with explaining the "how-to" than I would.

Love and hugs.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

"So long as they has access to you, there's no real reason to change. They can't be *that* bad, can they, if they still have access to you? Or rather, if you still *allow* it?"

Ooof.

I've never put it that way, but you're right, and it's worth thinking about -- and I'm going to have to sit down and look at that aspect of it. I've said "farewell" to people when I thought it would be agreed that we weren't good for each other, and then been dumbfounded by how much the other person has tried to get to me again (cf. Peabrain).

Thank you for the words.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

You are more than welcome. Glad they were useful.