Titles were never my strong point.

[elionwyr]

So I'm a bit too much in my own head right now, for varied reasons, and one of the things foremost in this complicated brain is the recurring question of who I am/how I approach life.

There was someone in my life who caused me to take good hard looks at those questions a lot - who questioned my decisions and choices more than perhaps anyone ever has. Sometimes that was really good for me. (Y'all know I value people who call me on my crap.) Sometimes I learned that what he was doing was not so much about me as it was about throwing things up to see what would stick.

But I internalize everything. I overanalyze and overthink and I am very literal minded. If you tell me the sky is green, I'm probably going to pause and consider why that could be. Am I missing something? Is there logic behind that? I may eventually figure out you just need to have your colour tuning adjusted - but it's more likely that I'm going to assume I'm just not getting what you're saying.

So I've had a fair bit of time of having a lot of my actions and thinking challenged by..well, by a few people that were close enough to me for me to care about and trust their words. Which is both good and bad. Add to that the recurring info fed to me from Rumour Control wherein I'm not such a good person and sometimes it's really hard to not buy the bad press.

Generally? I'd hold my life up to anyone's. Generally, my only real shame is that I undervalue my Self in too many of my dealings with other people. But when I hear the bad - and hell, that's part of what people not so fabulous sometimes, yes? that there are very very few of us actually universally loved and the negative is a lot more seductive than the positive - I realize I'm not as evolved as I wish, because it's hard to not focus on it, to not buy into it.

I may just need better earplugs.



ETA: Tangentally? I'm also sorta struggling with..when I say I'm a prude and people laugh, it's...here's the deal. Talking is one thing. I'm not necessarily that prudish about discussion - I'll discuss just about anything with just about anyone, as long as everyone's being respectful. But physically? I joke that my default is Victorian and IMO it really is. Very generally speaking, even someone taking off their shirt makes me a bit uncomfortable. (Yes, there are exceptions. If I know there's gonna be group happy naked time, well, that's a different mindset. But I'm very unlikely to join in.) So...I'm told Rumour Control has some naughty stories about me, and it's...sad making, because o hai, my repression - let me show you it. *grumble-sigh*

Comments

[contrary74.livejournal.com]

As always with rumors, consider the source.

I caution you and know that you are undervaluing yourself. I am also waiting for that list.

I will always love you. I could tell some naughty stories about you too but I prefer that stays between Us.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

It's harder to keep an eye on the source when the source is relentless for years, even after you yourself have had words with said source.

I don't recall agreeing to giving you a list.

I love you too, and always will.

[contrary74.livejournal.com]

No eye keeping needed, just considering. I'll wait patiently. I bet you didn't know I was patient.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I've kinda caught on over the years that you're patient. *hug*

[cypherindigo.livejournal.com]

I understand all of that, especially the last part.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thankee. The last bit has been milling around in my head for a while now..

Sometimes the sky turns green when a tornado is coming

[k2rider78.livejournal.com]

Labels are for packages not people.
And don't look to other people to define yourself.
(hugs)

Re: Sometimes the sky turns green when a tornado is coming

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's a matter of looking to others, but rather 'hm people on the outside of my skull have a different perspective than I do' coupled with 'hm I really try to be a good person, so why the poop talk?'

We are a constant state of not-quite-soup, but dang, I thought I was closer than apparently I am.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

Understand the value of rumors--having this happen to you could be very cleansing in its own perverse way. However--though I generally do not believe in revenge and simply do not do revenge rituals, I rather often do Justice rituals. Were someone treating me the way he treats you, he'd be getting some Justice rather soon. I don't mind doing one for someone like this bastard every day for a week or month, if that's what it took (and it was in the cards, so to speak).

Whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do, I endorse that more than my own advice. I simply think the bastard could use some Justice, and so could you.