on privacy and boundaries

[elionwyr]

Those of you that are paying attention will note that I don't make a lot of public posts.

The blog entries I share that are not locked to LJ members only are shared very deliberately. I miss the days of writing things more fit for general public consumption, but stopped doing so primarily because of having a now-ex-employer/friend make it very clear that he was having my blog monitored for reasons that are still murky to me. My feeling was (and is) that if we're close in the physical world, you don't really need to check up on me here. These words are mostly for those that don't have close contact with me.

Facebook has filled that niche for me in ways that LJ simply couldn't, and my need for public writing isn't as strong as it used to be.

A comment was made to me recently that by reading my blog, it was possible to know me on a pretty intimate level without the need for discussion. This isn't entirely true. You know the public stories I choose to share. (Want the rest? Open an LJ account, bolster it with a friendship with me, and you'll get to read more.)

But ya know, I have to admit I was a little surprised that the person in question had been reading through my LJ. I don't know when he started, I don't know how far back he went. (A lot of the history here is really locked down as a result of that ex boss/friend I mentioned above.) And, ultimately, it seems he didn't know me as well as he'd thought...which is not a discussion point in this entry, really.

So here's the deal: Yes, things posted publicly exist to be read; and yes, things written online only have a certain degree of privacy. One should, in general, keep in mind there's always the potential for a second audience, whether you've written a blog entry or an email.

But where does reading-because-you're-curious cross over into stalking?

We joke about internet stalking. We scan each other's Facebooks and personal websites and blogs, gleaning information about each other. I don't consider that stalking; I consider that a part of howe we in this culture get to know each other from a distance. (But then, I've been honest-to-goodness stalked. It changes your perspective. A lot.)

And obviously I can't define to you, Gentle Readers, where that privacy/comfort line falls for you. For me? I'm a control freak. I control what data I put out here, and I've been online for over 20 years now. I think I have a good handle on this internet thing by now. I'm invariably told that the person I am in person is pretty much the person I am in this electronic life. But there's a whole lot more to me than what these pixels present. As is true of us all.

Boundaries. We are all in general such isolated creatures. We walk with our iPods singing in our ears or our Bluetooths and celphones keeping us in touch with the people that are not directly in front of us. So many of us create our very own isolation chambers, keeping us from touching the world we pass through on our way to and from work or while out on errands. Are we any less lonely?

And, boundaries. I see so much damage done because we overanticipate each other's reactions to what might be a difficult situation rather than just talking to each other. We love, and we care, and we don't want to hurt each other, and so we create these complicated knots of avoidance because we're so afraid the other person might react to a hurt we didn't mean to inflict.

Sometimes talking is the scariest damn thing we can do.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

Comments

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

I think the only thing I can get from reading a person's entries that they choose to let me read is a sense of voice and then not always a very strong one unless it's someone like popfiend who will also post recording and video to his blog.

Whoever said they could know you on a intimate level from reading your blog is better than I am or else extremely foolish. I don't think I know you on the level I'd like to know you just from reading your blog. I only know a few things and maybe not the best things about you. I get a little more from reading the comments of people who know you better. But really, not the same as talking in person/on the phone with a person. There's a lot more that one can get from an interpersonal give and take than via an interaction with your blog.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I used to get that a lot when I was writing poetry...people assumed a very intimate knowledge of me that was inaccurate, to say the least.

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess it's the same way people think they know an author by his/her fiction. Having an imagination isn't the same as being the character you write about.

[harkalark.livejournal.com]

Well said.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

High praise..!

(and hi!)

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

Do you know the screen name of the person that has been reading your LJ for ex-asshat's benefit? You can ban both of them from your LJ. Personally I think actually telling you that he's having you "monitored" is incredibly creepy and behaving like a stalker. He's looking for the same reactions - intimidation, fear, and censorship.

Some people seriously need to get a life.

::hugs::

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I know who it is/was; the problem is that I used to be much more public and because I resented his monitoring of my electronic life, I pulled a lot of things private and have yet to go back and figure out what I don't mind sharing. Which isn't a huge deal; it's just vaguely annoying.

He does the same for most of the people who work for him. I've no idea if they know; I'm past the point of caring. Though I admit it's sorta amusing, considering he's told people for years *I* stalk *him*, and the truth is I have him and his minions blocked everywhere I can.

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

Ghads. That's just....sad. Is he friends with Wayne? :P

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Heh! Not to my knowledge. But with how convoluted my world works, it wouldn't be a huge surprise.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I want to think about this; there's a lot swirling in my head about it.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Me too, honestly.

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

The person who thinks they know another from what is shown publicly comes across as incredibly shallow and naive, and perhaps even a bit presumptive: reading their own life experiences into your words and assuming that you think/feel/react the same as they would. That would certainly lead to a false sense of intimacy and connection.

But you're far deeper than that - as are most people. It's a gross mistake to believe that the tip of an iceberg is the whole of the structure.

And I agree so much about communication. So much heartache and pain could be avoided if people didn't retreat into insecurities and silence. Inside the confines of their own heads, they see things in the worst light, assume people mean the most harmful things, and allow their own inner fears to become outer mistakes and wounds.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Hm. I think it's complicated. But then I've come to realize there was more going on than I realized - tip of an iceberg, indeed. Funny how hours of talking can still leave so much unsaid.

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

*nods* Honestly, life itself is infinitely complicated; situations where we have the luxury of black-and-white delineation between right and wrong are so very rare.

People hide behind words every bit as much as they hide behind silence. I've always thought that if people who need some kind of background sound going constantly, they were afraid of being alone. But the older I get, the more I wonder if the dislike of complete silence might mean that they're actually uncomfortable inside their own heads.

But you can talk all day long and never say anything meaningful, never let someone inside your own head, never touch once on the things that honestly matter to you.