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elionwyrThere was a time when I thought I was ready to find my ideal love, my perfect mate. I visualized myself with my bags packed, waiting by the junction of a pipe connecting my life with the one of my love.
I was ready, dammit. And I would wait right there until my dearling appeared.
I was in my 20s, a far cry from being soup. I had no idea of the inner earthquakes that were to come - storms I needed to weather, changes I very much needed to make.
I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.
It's a time of my life that I think about with longing more than I admit to anyone. I would wake up from dreams feeling absolutely completely divinely loved. I used to joke, with no real humour in my words, that this was before I discovered boys. Well. Before I discovered a particular boy, at least, who would trigger those aforementioned changes and teach me some of the very best and worst lessons I've experienced in this life.
And when, years later, I had decided that nope, I was done - I was obviously just no damn good at relationships and should simply be alone - that I learned, very suddenly, I was very wrong.
So maybe this is how it works, that when we are most sure we are most certainly to be proven wrong.
I've been pretty quiet here, as well as over on Sophie's blog. Some of you have poked me pretty hard about the latter, which..I still may delete. I'm not sure I need her voice as much as I once did. But the silence here comes from varied factors, and I'm working through that, too.
I'm still here. I'm at another crossroads. I am, I suspect, much much closer to being soup. I think I threw that damned map in the river. And I've much more than one suitcase packed. (Heh!)
Now? I think I can finally go the heck to bed.
(..But not without thanking whoever the heck it was that gifted me with a paid LJ membership. I didn't notice right away - my apologies - and I'm very surprised and grateful for the gifting. Thanks very very much. <3 )
I was ready, dammit. And I would wait right there until my dearling appeared.
I was in my 20s, a far cry from being soup. I had no idea of the inner earthquakes that were to come - storms I needed to weather, changes I very much needed to make.
I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.
It's a time of my life that I think about with longing more than I admit to anyone. I would wake up from dreams feeling absolutely completely divinely loved. I used to joke, with no real humour in my words, that this was before I discovered boys. Well. Before I discovered a particular boy, at least, who would trigger those aforementioned changes and teach me some of the very best and worst lessons I've experienced in this life.
And when, years later, I had decided that nope, I was done - I was obviously just no damn good at relationships and should simply be alone - that I learned, very suddenly, I was very wrong.
So maybe this is how it works, that when we are most sure we are most certainly to be proven wrong.
I've been pretty quiet here, as well as over on Sophie's blog. Some of you have poked me pretty hard about the latter, which..I still may delete. I'm not sure I need her voice as much as I once did. But the silence here comes from varied factors, and I'm working through that, too.
I'm still here. I'm at another crossroads. I am, I suspect, much much closer to being soup. I think I threw that damned map in the river. And I've much more than one suitcase packed. (Heh!)
Now? I think I can finally go the heck to bed.
(..But not without thanking whoever the heck it was that gifted me with a paid LJ membership. I didn't notice right away - my apologies - and I'm very surprised and grateful for the gifting. Thanks very very much. <3 )
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christmas card...
Date: 2011-01-11 06:05 am (UTC)thanks so much sweetie
hugs
j :)
no subject
Date: 2011-01-11 01:08 pm (UTC)How do you make God laugh?
...
You make a plan.
*HUG*