family

[elionwyr]

...I asked myself was I content
with the world that I once cherished
did it bring me to this darkened place...

I am a teenager. I've walked into my father's house, the house I grew up in. Standing in the kitchen doorway to the living room, I see my brother curled up in a chair, crying.

My father stands over him, punching him.

I scream.

My father rushes at me, hands balled into fists, his face bright red with anger.

I collapse against the door, pulling my arms and legs up around my stomach. My instinct is not to run away. He's going to hit me, but at least he's no longer hitting my brother.

He stares down at me.

He walks away.

This was not the norm in our household. And yet it is seared into my memory. This is how anger looks - it is rage, it is red and violent and out of control.

I do not forget, decades later.

My brother does not remember.

...I will not stand nor utter words against this tide of hate
losing sight of what and who I was again...

The abuse we suffered was mostly emotional. It was insidious and evil because it hurt our spirits, affected our self-worth. We were threatened with being kicked out of the house from an early age - the earliest I remember was somewhere around second grade, when my father told me to pack my suitcase...he was taking me to live with my mother because I was a slob. We drove in the dark for what seemed like hours before returning home. I was terrified.

My brother was threatened with foster care somewhere around 13 or 14 because he was caught rough housing with our half-brother. I was forced to watch as the people who raised us verbally shredded him. When asked what he thought, he sobbed, "I want to kill myself."

I cannot forget, or forgive.

My brother does not remember.

...gracefully, respectfully
facing conflict deep inside myself
but here confined losing control
of what I could not change...

I've struggled a lot over the years over the things the people that raised me believe about me. A skewed history my brother has come to believe. With enough repetition, fiction becomes truth, especially when repeated loudly enough, I suppose. Ironically, I used to believe that what was done to me didn't matter, as long as my brother got better treatment. I was disposable. In the end, maybe that's happened. I don't know. These people are not in my life because I have failed to see any proof that they would not break my heart over and over, as they have in the past.

So my mother is my family. And that means the world to me.

..I always tried to keep myself tied to this world..

I never thought I'd get married. When I did, I was brought into a new family. These were people that loved me, that heard some of my stories and said, matter-of-factly, "You had a crappy childhood." I took his name, in part because I wanted no connection to 99% of the people who shared my maiden name. I encouraged him to go to family dinners, even if he didn't wish to, because family is important.

No one warned me that divorce meant I would lose another family. I didn't know that I could go from 'daughter' status to 'we have nothing in common' and 'now he's happy.'

I remember him being happy.

Apparently I'm alone in that remembrance.

...gracefully, respectfully
I ask you please don't worry, not for me
don't turn your back
don't turn away...

I moved to western PA partly with the promise of finding another family. It's a promise, a label, I took more seriously than the person who wielded it. When I was summarily dismissed, I found that I was again mostly without a family, without an explanation.

..I can't say that you're losing me
but I must be that which I am
though I know where this could take me...

I realized a lot of things over the past 12 hours. One of the harder things is that I don't trust the word "family." There are people here I call 'heart-sister' and others that I love fiercely, but...I have a complicated relationship with the word "family." If I feel you are family to me, I will do anything for you, I will be here solidly for you when/if you need. If someone offers me the title of "family"...I don't know that I trust it anymore. I can only be sure of my intent, my definition. When I look at my past, I see a trail of broken family promises, and I don't understand it.

...I'm so sorry if these seething words I say
impress on you that I've become anathema of my soul...

I don't know how people survive this kind of repeated heartache. I know that I shall, and I do, no matter how big a personal demon it has become.

Maybe people survive because they forget.

I don't forget.

And I continue to hold out hope, every single day, that the people who have had labeled me 'family' will one day want to find me. So I make myself accessible, findable, online.

I hope, and...I think the term 'family' will continue to migrate to a private categorization rather than one I accept from others. I can trust my definition, my intent. I don't know that I want to risk trusting anyone else's.

But oh gods, people - treasure your families. I see so many people not doing so, and - do you really not know what a gift you have in the hearts of those in your lives?

...don't turn your back
don't turn away...

Comments

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

I've heard a few people say, including Wayne Dyer, "Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family."
You may not be able to trust your family, but you certainly have a ton of friends that you *can* trust, and would never treat you the way your family did. You are not worthless to us. You are a bright, beautiful, talented human being that lights up a room with laughter, a gorgeous smile, and a twisted sense of humor.
Maybe, someday, when they've realized what a terrible mistake they've made, your family will come back around into your life and make amends. Until then, you've got us. ::hugs::

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. <3

[freyas-fire.livejournal.com]

Any time, dahling. xoxo

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

*sniffles*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*hug*

It's much much better than it's been. It doesn't make me self-destructive. It doesn't hurt like it used to. It's much better.

[mewsrissicat.livejournal.com]

Just... sometimes the nicest people get saddled with blood relatives that are deaf, dumb and ungrateful.

And just plain STUPID.

((HUG))

[contrary74.livejournal.com]

Well, it's been 18 years of unconditional love that we share together. It's not family but it is love. And it's wonderful.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Oh, it does. You do. I thank the universe for you on a regular basis. <3

[k2rider78.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and daring to open your heart after all that pain and disappointment.

((HUGS))

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Echoed, Dusti. That you're as open and loving as you are after all that madness is a kind of victory.

*hugs as well*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thanks to you both!
***HUG***

[nursechrissy.livejournal.com]

I wish I had words to help soothe your heart. I think this is a year to figure shit out and it's all so fucking complicated. You heard my rant the other day and were such a huge support to me. Know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you to find peace. I think that's what all of us need.

*love*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Honestly? It's so much better than it was.
Every time the little earthquakes hit, it gets better.

It's all just processing. And it's always getting better. It no longer makes me self-destructive.

*love back*

[celtic_maenad]

You can't choose your family. You CAN choose your friends. I think that distinction is important.

*headbutts*

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*headbutts back*

Blogathon may just work out. Here's hoping!

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

eyebrows perk up*

Blogathon, you say? That'd be more for me to read! :-D

(Not yet trying to do Blogathon myself, but definitely going to be reading along... I hope that works for you...)

[celtic_maenad]

woo!

[norda.livejournal.com]

:::quietly listens:::

[adelheid-p.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Battling the negative words that you heard through childhood is a lifelong thing. Eventually, the good words will win. I know this but you can never stop saying the good words to yourself. You have inherit worth and dignity. You are worthy and deserving of true unconditional love. You are smart, pretty, and fun to be around. Someday soon, I pray, you will see these things in yourself that other see and value.

[cypherindigo.livejournal.com]

I love you, and so very much want you to have what you need.

[bluedressdevil.livejournal.com]

I read this whole entry. I am witness to your pain and struggle and I sympathize. *hugs*

[ysobelle.livejournal.com]

I love you. I also trust you, which is something I can say to very, very, very few people.

You. Are. A. Good. Person.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I love you muchly, and I'm so very honoured by your trust...***HUG***

[vcmorris.livejournal.com]

This made me cry as my own family is slightly sprained at the moment. It's a work in progress. Trust has been shattered, but I am hopeful we can put the pieces together again given enough time and maturity. Yesterday, in fact, a little piece slipped into place. I don't live under the illusion that this will all be mended overnight. It is going to take months... or even years... to get back to where we once were.

Years ago, when I was 16, my brother ripped apart the fabric of my family. Like you, I do not forget... I will never forget the things he did to me, the way he made my mother feel, the nightmares he brought into my childhood home. But, I have learned to forgive as I have matured and gotten to better understand the demons of mental illness and drug abuse. I have learned not to blame him for ALL of it and I am learning to accept, love and trust who he is NOW as opposed to who he was 25+ years ago.

I do understand the value, the treasure, that is Family. Thank you for sharing this. It has really touched me to the soul.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I read all this.

Not much to say, I have run out of brain, but you are always quietly cheered on from the other side of the world.

Actually maybe I do have enough brain for this:

You are not disposable, and you deserve to be treated well (in relationships, in work and yes, by your family).

[schmidtybooger.livejournal.com]

As someone with a broken family and a complicated relationship with those I do keep in touch with I want you to know you are never alone.

I forgot most of my childhood until I was in college. My brain just decided I couldn't handle it and filed it away for later, I suppose. I can't imagine the pain that put my sister through.

I am sending you love, and hugs, and small fuzzies to nuzzle you and remind you that no matter what, you are strong and beautiful and LOVED. FIERCELY.

[mankycat.livejournal.com]

As someone who comes from a similar and yet very different form of abusive childhood... and has done a good deal of research into the effects of it (one of my coping mechanisms after I was moved out of that house)...

Your bother probably didn't intentionally make a fictional history for himself. His mind very likely blocked a lot and fabricated the changes without his even knowing. My oldest sister has this, and it can be concerning... the things that she feels without understanding why, altered memories, and so on. I know I have my own memory gaps, but have also retained enough too. The others that were involved in your situations (directly or indirectly) either don't want to admit their part (thereby making you a scapegoat) and/or might have gone their their own psychological alterations of history. It doesn't excuse things... but might offer explanations.

Family is a confused concept for so many. I try to give my son the type of "family" I never was able to have and didn't even know existed until it was my turn.

You are a strong lady.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

This helps. I'm often filled with "wtf?" though I know my brother has a history since childhood of this kind of selective amnesia. (When my parents divorced, we were very young, and he forgot how to read, declaring we should know he was stupid and couldn't read.

You've given me another piece of the puzzle. I appreciate that. *Hug*

[perseph12.livejournal.com]

I read this entry.

I wish I knew what to say or how to help. For now, just know that I am listening.

[crystalsage.livejournal.com]

I love you. *hug*

(sorry I did not read all this before now)

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

I love you. I don't need a label of family, I don't think I need anything, really, that you would find triggering. I do pray for you that you find forgiveness for these folks, that you pray for it, invite it, embrace it, and internalize it completely; partly because they are not worth *not* forgiving, but mostly because forgiveness is one of the most powerful forms of transformative magic around. It changes you in ways you can't understand until you are there. I want better things for you; lack of forgiveness can make a person unknowingly cling to things that weigh them down and block the space for new things to come in. You are getting there, I know. Godspeed.