open letter to writers of vampire fiction

Dear Authors,

Please stop writing about vampire fucking.

Pretty damn bored,

Dusti

PS - Throwing a werewolf love interest in to complicate matters? Really doesn't help. First off, it's just not unique anymore. And secondly, they're BOTH predators. Do you really want to have sex with that cow you're about to make into burgers?

..Um. On second thought? Please don't answer that question.



To elaborate:

Yes, Buffy, and Anita, and Bella, and Sookie, and alllllllllllllllllll the rest of the chicks that are hot for some undead lovin' are interesting characters. I've not read the Twilight series, but I'm very fond of the other three ladies. (For all of the smut, at least the Anita books mention the problem of vampires and blood pressure.)

And I can't sing the praises of the Saint-Germain books highly enough, and that series surely has its roots in historical romance.

But oh my friggin' gawd, enough is ENOUGH already.

(ETA the following paragraph:)
While I'm on the subject of what I do NOT need to see in my vampire fiction.. Gentlemen! Please cease and desist with your phallic obsessions in your novels. Vampires that can kill women by breaking their jaws by expanding the size of their manhoods? Ew. Vampire chicas that need to bite off their victim's penii? Dude...and yes, I say 'dude' because I have *yet* to find this in anything written by a woman...DUDE!!!! NO ONE WANTS TO READ THIS!!! You have issues, and you need to stop giving them life on the printed page.

And so, Gentle Readers, I heartily recommend the following (in no particular order) to clear your brains and bedrooms of vampiric semen:

* The Delicate Dependency, by Michael Talbot - vampires as Illuminati; this is the only vampire book I've ever begged for as a gift - and DAMMIT if I loaned this to anyone reading this post, pretty please return it!!! (Note: yes, there is some vampire nookie in here, but it's brief and sorta kinda believable. In that it's really friggin' COLD.)

* Sunshine, by Robin McKinley - an alternate Earth that could easily house Anita, where vampires are bad-ass - yes, I know, I've praised this one before - if you've already read it, just go buy ANYTHING Robin's written...you won't be disappointed

* The Stress of Her Regard, by Tim Powers - vampires as muses

* Vampire$, by John Steakley - if you've seen the movie, erase it from your brain...this is an amazing intense book about the desperate gritty lives of vampire hunters

* Under The Fang, edited by Robert R. McCammon and Martin H. Greenberg - The vampires won. Humans are screwed. (...NOT LITERALLY!!!)

* Fevre Dream, by George R R Martin - Ah, a vampire, a ferry boat, and a dream of a peaceful existence with humans. What could possibly go wrong?

The Traveling Vampire Show, by Richard Laymon - a traveling sideshow boasts as one of its attractions "Valeria, the only known vampire in captivity". But she couldn't really be a vampire...could she? (This book gets pretty graphic and does contain sex, but..well. Read it, and you'll see why I'm including it in this list.)

* The Vampire Tapestry, by Suzy McKee Charnas - Vampire as...parallel evolution? Perhaps. Weyland's never been human, and the way he copes as top predator is nothing short of brilliant.