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Cat Patriotism
Dec. 15th, 2001 12:53 pmMy stepdaughter had a Christmas concert this week that ended with a patriotic medley. This sorta annoyed me..I feel like people really overthink kids' concerts. Don't make it too religious...put disclaimers in the program ("We don't promote any one religion")..and now "See? We're real Americans, too!"
Hmpft.
So this struck me as funny.
~~~~
Tuesday, October 16, 2001 (SF Chronicle)
Making your cat more patriotic
Jon Carroll
In these troubled times, a nation turns its lonely eyes to cat
columns, except that portion of the nation that does not, to which this
message is directed.
CATS ARE NOT by nature patriotic. We as cat owners must not shrink
from this regrettable fact. Cats are citizens of the universe, and live
in a sphere in which the concept of "the nation-state" is meaningless.
To be fair, it is also true that nation-states do not care about
cats. Their rights are not guaranteed. Politicians do not pander to cats.
Politicians do not even pander to cat owners, who are, theoretically at
least, able to vote.
Politicians have been known to pander to dog owners, because dogs
have a presence in public debates. Meetings are called, and people yell at
each other, all about dogs and leashes and parks and zones and feces and
tiny innocent children and running free like the wind.
There are no meetings about cats. People with a deep and serious
interest in the natural world occasionally worry about cats killing
songbirds. (I have noticed that the formulation of this complaint
always includes the somewhat archaic word "songbird," as though cats preyed
only on nightingales and canaries. And no one ever mentions the problem of
cockatiels going after innocent little tabbies, although I have known
cockatiels that would with gusto take on the entire Taliban.)
But these concerns never reach the level of televised public
meetings and hurled bagels.
The cat, therefore, has little reason to be interested in questions
of government. A cat is free under any governmental system. Everywhere man
is in chains, but cats wander around looking for food and slutting after
strangers, hoping for a morsel...
BUT THE PRESS secretary to the president of the United States has
told us that we must watch what we say, and many formerly OK criticisms and
witticisms are now officially not OK, and even irony itself died for
3.5 weeks until it popped up again.
Cats have not been following these matters. Cats watch television,
but they enjoy nature shows and boxing. There is no hope that they will
become truly attuned to current events, nor that they will ever be
truly proud to be Americans.
For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be
patriotic. The president has urged all of us to report "suspicious
behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very
little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious.
They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted,
a known sign of guilty knowledge.
Cats are loaded with guilty knowledge...
I THINK IT would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes
Forever." It is a noncontroversial yet undeniably patriotic tune,
easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's
on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's
the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition
of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune.
If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later.
When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days.
(If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic
song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.)
Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all
rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come
a-runnin' when the band strikes up.
And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at
your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at
attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while
"The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played.
Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for
freedom!
Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck could be somebody's
jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2001 SF Chronicle
Hmpft.
So this struck me as funny.
~~~~
Tuesday, October 16, 2001 (SF Chronicle)
Making your cat more patriotic
Jon Carroll
In these troubled times, a nation turns its lonely eyes to cat
columns, except that portion of the nation that does not, to which this
message is directed.
CATS ARE NOT by nature patriotic. We as cat owners must not shrink
from this regrettable fact. Cats are citizens of the universe, and live
in a sphere in which the concept of "the nation-state" is meaningless.
To be fair, it is also true that nation-states do not care about
cats. Their rights are not guaranteed. Politicians do not pander to cats.
Politicians do not even pander to cat owners, who are, theoretically at
least, able to vote.
Politicians have been known to pander to dog owners, because dogs
have a presence in public debates. Meetings are called, and people yell at
each other, all about dogs and leashes and parks and zones and feces and
tiny innocent children and running free like the wind.
There are no meetings about cats. People with a deep and serious
interest in the natural world occasionally worry about cats killing
songbirds. (I have noticed that the formulation of this complaint
always includes the somewhat archaic word "songbird," as though cats preyed
only on nightingales and canaries. And no one ever mentions the problem of
cockatiels going after innocent little tabbies, although I have known
cockatiels that would with gusto take on the entire Taliban.)
But these concerns never reach the level of televised public
meetings and hurled bagels.
The cat, therefore, has little reason to be interested in questions
of government. A cat is free under any governmental system. Everywhere man
is in chains, but cats wander around looking for food and slutting after
strangers, hoping for a morsel...
BUT THE PRESS secretary to the president of the United States has
told us that we must watch what we say, and many formerly OK criticisms and
witticisms are now officially not OK, and even irony itself died for
3.5 weeks until it popped up again.
Cats have not been following these matters. Cats watch television,
but they enjoy nature shows and boxing. There is no hope that they will
become truly attuned to current events, nor that they will ever be
truly proud to be Americans.
For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be
patriotic. The president has urged all of us to report "suspicious
behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very
little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious.
They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted,
a known sign of guilty knowledge.
Cats are loaded with guilty knowledge...
I THINK IT would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes
Forever." It is a noncontroversial yet undeniably patriotic tune,
easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's
on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's
the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition
of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune.
If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later.
When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days.
(If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic
song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.)
Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all
rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come
a-runnin' when the band strikes up.
And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at
your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at
attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while
"The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played.
Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for
freedom!
Be kind to your web-footed friends, for a duck could be somebody's
jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2001 SF Chronicle