elionwyr | Family (Reply)

When I was a child, a chance encounter introduced me to a woman -Marian - that, in many ways, for a short time filled the need I had for a mother figure.

My brother followed me one day to see where I was finding sanctuary. I was very upset about this, and Marian tried to explain to him that we all need a place of our own.

I don't know if he ever found that place. For me, that sanctuary was precious..but it wasn't Family. Not really. I think Family became a Holy Grail of sorts for us both. He pursues it by being a chameleon - 'if I change into what you find acceptable, maybe you'll love/approve of me.' I pursue it by being awed by it and hoping - 'do you like who I am? can I stay?'*

What I've realized is that my being awed means I keep my distance. I find myself afraid of being a burden. And the path my brother walks is equally isolating in that he will sacrifice what and who he loves if it means acceptance.

We are not, of course, unique in our dysfuction. That is exactly as little comfort as one might imagine.

So. My family angst in music form. Someday I hope to get through either of these without crying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3lBF2h-Pl0
"Haunted" - Poe
And I'm haunted / By the lives that I have loved / And actions I have hated / I'm haunted / By the lives that wove the web / Inside my haunted head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NEQDegG6I0
"Wild"- Poe
I go wild 'cause you break me open / Wild 'cause you left me here

...Communication is NOT just words: communication
Is..architecture.
Because of course it is quite obvious that a house
Which would be built without
THE SENSE...WITHOUT that desire FOR COMMUNICATION,
Would not look the
way your house looks today!

* And oh, yes, there is a special level of hell reserved for those who think 'family' is a game, a manipulation used to make people feel special so they can be used..and then 'catapulted' out of the 'family.' Doesn't work that way. That's not a family.