LJ Idol Week 9: Counterintuitive

[elionwyr]

"They're saying you tried to kidnap our brother."

"..Wait, what?"

"When you took Charlie and me out to lunch and left a note saying we were with you and you'd bring us back later? Charlie was grounded. He didn't tell us. So now the family story is that you tried to kidnap him."

There was more to the conversation, I'm sure. But these are the only words I remember. These, and the words that echoed in my head.

I don't deserve to eat.

If the people that had raised me could create this sort of fiction surrounding my actions...well, my god. My god. What kind of person must I be?

None of it was, of course, logical. Welcome to the workings of a dysfunctional family, where logic is a mythical beast, and personal accountability is non-existent. I grew up apologizing for everything, anything, longing for approval, and ended up here, in a life those I raised could never relate to, still being blamed for things I had never, would never, have done.

I don't deserve to eat led to my starving myself - not to the point of anorexia, but definitely to the point of needing help to start to eat correctly again. And sometimes the feeling of being hungry is a sensation I still find oddly addictive, still find oddly deserving.

I can't say that, even now, well over a decade after the above phone call occurred, that there is not still a part of me which longs for my family's approval. Family is still my holy grail. But when I look over my familial history, this is the point that I know I made a decision that saved my life...because it was at this point that I realized I had to stop trying to be a part of my father's dysfunctional world.

Comments

[pixiebelle.livejournal.com]

Wow. I know the "I don't deserve to eat" feeling all too well, but for totally different reasons. To see the consequences of your family's actions... Well that's just scary and sad.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you relate at all. *hug*

One of the most heart breaking things I've ever seen on daytime TV was an episode of "Oprah" where a very young child was saying 'I don't deserve to eat.' None of us should feel that way.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

talk about a tough way to figure that out, but I'm glad you did.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I mostly did. :)
I still have spells of wanting to know the people I grew up with, but the recurring message back is they're either not kind or they're not interested. And so we move forward.

Thank you for the kindness. *hug*

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I think those spells are pretty common too. I *hug* you back.

[harkalark.livejournal.com]

Yeesh. That sounds terrible.

Nothing like a little distorted family history. My sister still tells the story of how I accidentally hit her with a golf club 30 years ago as if I picked up the thing and swung it at her head like the damn Godfather. And I can tell that she actually believes it.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Gah..!

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

That sounds really horrible :(

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, pretty much. But I have such a good caliber of people in my life now.. :)

*hug*

[basric.livejournal.com]

Some people use whips some deprivation, I understand the accusation of imagined deeds, having lived my time with my mother as a child and teenager.

The underlying feeling of never being good enough still hides within waiting like the cold sore virus against your spine to erupt on you lip--those feelings can slip like slime right back into your brain.

You wrote about it just perfectly, well done.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Gah - sorry you have that in your head. *hug*

Thank you for the kindness. It's appreciated.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

I sympathize.

My family of origin had a number of myths that basically amounted to how utterly awful I was. These stories were not, actually, true..., but there was no way I could plead another version, because they were all so fond of the Official Version that had me as Teh Bad.

It really hurt, and it even hurts now- 30+ years later- when i think about it. It participates a lot in my nightmares, even now.

Still, when I am awake... well, they're the ones missing out because we're not in contact. I am, in fact, a pretty cool person with a lot to offer, and since they'd rather suck up to my nasty mother- well, fuck them; they deserve the nastiness they get from her.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I am, in fact, a pretty cool person with a lot to offer,
Damn RIGHT you are!
I'm certainly glad to know you, albeit 'only' from LJ. And I don't know if I've ever told you that..but it's very true. I rarely comment but I'm consistently reading and cheering you on.

re: sucking up
Yeah, that's some of what's going on over here, too.

I'm so sorry you have this parallel experience. You deserve better in the family lottery.

<3

[sorchawench.livejournal.com]

Well done...very good entry.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, my "family" is also a friggin' mess. Don't wish to be anonymous, so this is Joe from IMS

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

What a wretched situation - I'm glad to hear that you've mostly moved on. And how bizarre, too.

[shadowwolf13]

*hugs*

<3

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

I am sorry it happened to you.


Yet, as an outsider... I find the transition between the beginning and the "I don't deserve to eat" (very disturbing one :( ) unclear. Maybe you could have explained who Charlie and the other person were.

Or maybe you wanted it to be this way, when what seems 'just weird to me' is a trigger...


Sorry, never know when such comments are welcome and when not.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

I wanted it this way - but I do appreciate and value feedback. Thank you!

[rattsu.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder if we seek approval even harder when it never can be give. Thank you for telling this.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Interesting thought..I think some of us do, yes, and others (like me) embrace denial. :)

Thank you for reading. *hug*

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Very good insight into the dysfunction.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thankee.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

how awful for you. No one deserves to feel that way.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Part of me suspects I do. Yay dysfunctional thinking!

Thank you for your kindness. *hug*

[nyxocity.livejournal.com]

That's really awful :( I'm glad you realized you had to stop being part of that world.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

It's still hard, and I still hate trying to explain it because..I feel like a failure, I still feel flawed.

Thank you for the words and for reading. *hug*

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

You really managed to convey quite a lot in a relatively short post. Very succinct while being very revealing and personal. Nice job.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

Someday I shall learn to be verbose!

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

Family dynamics can be a sticky wicket. Needing the approval of our parents is a maddening thing and something I can relate to all too well. I'm sorry that you've had to endure what you have. I hope that you can find your way clear of it soon.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Those decisions are very hard to make but sometimes necessary!