Writer's Block: Cyberstalking

[elionwyr]

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(Too funny to resist answering.)

I don't 'keep tabs' on anyone online.

I have, in the past. Most of the time, it's been focused at estranged family members rather than love interests, and...I think that to look for information about people that don't care to have you in their lives is ultimately hurtful towards Self and often led into some sad thoughts, so I rarely do so anymore.

I have online connections to several exes. It's not 'keeping tabs,' it's 'staying friends.'
I also have severed online connections with a few people that were once important to me. I'm pretty thorough about such things - emails get filtered to 'trash,' social networking site accounts get blocked, etc. My general thought is that if you are someone that is not in my life, I'd prefer to keep it that way. And just as I'd not invite you into my home, I'd prefer you stay out of my electronic life...and will reciprocate that 'favour.'

So - yeah. I think it's emotionally unhealthy to maintain a 'stalker' sort of contact with an ex-whatever.

Comments

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

If we are friends, which I am with most of my exes, I am likely to be in some sort of vague online contact with them, or have the potential to do so. Every so often, perhaps three times a year, I will google for one or another of the ones where the relationship ended badly: in part out of a vague desire to know what they're up to these days (with a certain amount of "I hope they're okay; we were bad for each other, ultimately, but I hope they're okay"); and in some cases, because I want to know how close they are to me (social circles, home city, etc.).

What I won't do, though, is set up alerts or anything, if we are not on civil/cordial/friendly terms. I want to make it a conscious action to track them on my part, not something I can excuse as, "well, it comes up automatically."

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Good points.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Looking at the other comments, I will observe (and disagree with some folks)that I don't think it's unhealthy to occasionally check in on someone who's now out of your life. Not necessarily healthy, either, though. It depends on how often, when, and why. Someone who is a known danger, for example -- good to know if/when they're likely to be in town/show up at your favorite club/attend your performance/court your best friend.

On the other hand, I don't want to know. If you feel a need to comment to their blog/friend them on Facebook/discuss their life with everyone you know, then it's probably a good idea to sit down with a good friend and discuss this, for a reality check.

Two tangentially related things:

1)someone added my LJ to their reading list recently, and commented in such a way that it sounds as if they knew me in the past. However, they've not identified themself ("Hey, I'm Ruthven; we knew each other from the Murgatroyd estate parties," or whatever), and they commented in an unpleasantly provocative style. I know it's not an ex-lover, but I don't recognize or remember them, and I'm annoyed/skeeved by the approach.

2) My Dubious Ex, every so often, tries a different approach to contact me. Occasionally I google for him, to see what communities he's hanging out in these days, because his approaches are annoying and designed to pressure me, and I'd rather be braced for them.

and on yet another hand

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Actually, I just reread it. "Keep tabs on," to me, is different than "wonder what happened to X and will look" -- it has connotations of a persistent monitoring, and that, I think, is less good.

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Again, good and valid points.

[galdrin.livejournal.com]

Not just no, but Hell no!!!

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Indeed. And conversely, I STRONGLY dislike being checked up on. If you're gone, stay the hell gone. So I wouldn't do it to someone else.

[galdrin.livejournal.com]

Here, freakin' here !!!

Please, for gawd's sake, stay the hell out of my life. We were well and truly done so many years ago ... your life has held absolutely NO interest for me ever since and (I hope) vice-versa. After all this time, if you still feel the need to check up on me, you need to seek some serious professional help.

[rowancat.livejournal.com]

No.. Just once, 10 years after i last saw her, i did
a 5 min google search on my ex out of simple curiosity, found she had moved from Salem, Ma to San Antonio, Tx
with seven diff tel #'s and addys in seven years. I didn't bother to check any further...

Ironically, my partings with various girlfriends were very
friendly, with the understanding that if we crossed paths again, we'd pick up where we left off. This did happen several times. (many were advanced grad students/artists/musicians traveling back and forth for their studies and careers)

[hughcasey.livejournal.com]

OK, but is it stalking if it's not an ex, but just someone you really like, and seems to like you, and you keep checking on their LJ and Facebook and other online stuff, and you talk to them on the phone a few nights a week, and make arrangements to room at cons together, and...

I should shut up now, shouldn't I? ;-)

[elionwyr.livejournal.com]

Ha!

[eustaciavye.livejournal.com]

My evil ex who may or may not have raped someone (and I'd absolutely believe that he did) has sent me a few e-mails, viewed my okcupid profile repeatedly.... He needs to STOP IT.

The e-mails stopped when I told him I'd report him to the ISP for harassment.
The furthest I will go is to read their LJ to see if they are still alive. I rarely do that. I certainly don't make any kind of contact unless it is an honest "I'd like us to attempt a friendship" message. I have done this a total of once.