elionwyr: (Default)
2013-01-02 11:42 pm
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This motivational thingala passed across my Internet stream today, and seemed very timely/relevant.

One of the lessons I've learned from my family is that people are capable of inflicting lots of unintentional hurt. Their inability to register the damage doesn't in itself make them bad. You're just not the thing they're focused on. And so they scatter shrapnel across you and it literally has nothing to do with you.

This? This, I grok.
It's why I don't talk to most of my family. Too much unintentional damage.

(In a healthy family, of course, we would have talked it out and figured out a different path..For my well being, with the family I was dealt, walking away was the road better traveled.)

So. You control what you can. You control your Self.

You can't make someone read your heartfelt apology, or hear your accusation. What you can do is get that thought, that sorrow, that regret, that anger out of your head and out of your throat. You can't make anyone listen..but that doesn't mean you have to hold those things to fester inside you.

And, going back to that image...sometimes people hurt you and have no earthly idea they've done it. You carry that around until, like a splinter, your body works it out of your system.

You find that you've worked the bad out of your system. Or you find that being angry isn't as important as being happy. Or you realize why that word, that action, hurt you, and that it had nothing to do with what you thought after all.

You find that you caught the reflection if that action/word/thought/deed, you owned it, you sculpted it into something and you internalized it, you made it yours in a way no one else could ever have forced you to do.

You realize the ear that needs to hear forgiveness is the only one you can control. Yours.

And so you say 'I forgive you,' and if you're lucky, the other party hears you. And if you're luckier still, you say it, and you believe it, and the badness you're carrying around finally has permission to go away..

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elionwyr: (Default)
2013-01-02 12:52 am
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Choosing a focus

Well, I wrote out a long long post about the past few weeks, and my app lost most of it.

So instead, I'll write that whilst ultimately I had a really good visit, and a good friend picked me up tonight after over seven hours of traveling to get back to Pittsburgh, I am sitting here, surrounded by softly purring cats, feeling wound up over someone saying they had problems with me as a manager.

Now, the truths behind that are (a) no one is beloved by everyone; (b) I was put into a management role although I was vocal about not thinking it was necessary; (c) the individual in question did things wrong and when it was my job to correct that, I did; (d) when it wasn't my job to say something, I still did, based on what I understood the rules to be...and then I apologized for what I'd said because it wasn't my place to do so; (e) based on most of our interactions, including the last time we saw each other, I assumed we were on good terms. Apparently I was mistaken. (I begin to suspect there's a whole pile of issues being carried around by the gentleman in question that have nothing to do with me, to be honest.)

I am bothered because, clearly, he and I have a very different set of experience memories. And because there's precious little I won't discuss, so I'm sad that we didn't talk it out...as well as sad that I apparently misinterpreted our acquaintanceship. And because, overall, I am a damned good manager, with a damned good track record and reputation...so it bothers me that I missed something.

But. There's that pesky point a up there.

So I can obsess about something said about me, but not to me, or I can...ya know, not.

[livejournal.com profile] popfiend used to post Drama Free Thursday essays, and frequently the just came down to, "What do you want to focus on?" It's usually pretty darn tempting to focus on the bad - the negative voices, the things we can't fix, all the words and thoughts and nasty that we can use to beat ourselves up with.

That feeds the drama.
That makes it harder to look up and see the good.
And Life contains so much GOOD.

I know some amazing, good, talented, evolved people.
I'd much rather use them as a mirror, I'd so much rather give them real estate in my head, than give energy or attention to people that do not enrich my life.

Our worlds are made up of our choices.

I'm going to keep on making better-for-me choices.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2013-01-01 07:08 pm
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Vampires aren't what you think.

Not really.

In exchange for immortality, they give up their warmth...the body's process of consuming itself like a tiny flesh and bone sun until, shrunken and withered, there is nothing left to burn. It is then that Death embraces what remains.

So the undead freeze themselves, and we mistake their bloodlust for carnage.

It's not.

It's a lingering desire for heat.

At first, I didn't notice I had a silent entourage. In the dark, my concerns were for sales, customers, and criminals, and not the shivering monsters that followed the light of my fires.

And then I cut myself while opening a box of matches.

They moaned, like winds sighing over leaves. They raised their hands to catch the drops and to lightning-fast share them before the liquid lost its heat.

It was pathetic.

It was..addictive.

How many of us know what it is to be worshipped, to be adored and needed? I provided light against the darkness, but my customers certainly didn't acknowledge a need of me! No, that only came from the monsters, who only wanted such a small bit of me.

Each night, I released fire.

Each night, I scattered blood.

Each night, the vampires gathered in ever growing numbers, whispering my name, whispering their thanks, flicking what I offered as far and as fast as they could.

There will come a day when my body will not warm them all. I look at this life, my life, and I'm almost ready to stop burning. Almost. How many suns are aware of the creatures they are warming? How many look out into the surrounding darkness and say now, I choose to stop now and give everything to the silent, the distant, the desperately freezing?

I will choose the moment.

I will, for a blazing handful of moments, be their star.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-12-09 12:37 pm
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Operation Use All the Things continues

Years ago, I scored several paper mâché statues sold by Crafty Chica as 'Paint Your Own Goddess' thingalas. I've done..two, for Shira, and I gave an unpainted one away, and the other three have been on storage all this time. (Note: they were VERY much on clearance at the time; if you can find these things now, you'd never buy that many at once.)

So over the past week, I've done this..

Read more... )

elionwyr: (Default)
2012-12-02 08:36 pm
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Returning to cross stitch

So I've been going through my stash and destashing stuff..and deciding to use what I've been squirreling away.

I took elements from border pieces and started piecing them together on a kitchen towel.

I should have actually counted everything out, and there are maybe three mistakes that are obvious to me, but overall? Considering I really haven't touched this stuff in..maybe ten years? .. I'm pretty pleased.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-11-27 12:15 am
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here in the dark, unsleeping,
i pull memories around me
curl into them seeking
a remnant of your warmth
a reminder of the way
your hollows match my curves
as i gather arms full of you
trace your smiling profile
until I could almost sculpt you

sometimes, as i'm seeking
slumber without your presence
it is almost possible
to doubt you could exist

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elionwyr: (delighted)
2012-11-12 08:05 pm
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What the mirror of your eyes tells me

I went to Philly this weekend with [livejournal.com profile] adelheid_p. She was attending Philcon; I was riding shotgun and visiting people.

First goal: spend a huge chunk of time with [livejournal.com profile] ysobelle, as we were very overdue for a visit. Second goal: see as many other people that were at Philcon as I possibly could. (I did not attend the con. One person said he was surprised to see me because everything he'd seen me say online showed I was very anti-Philcon. To be clear, I think the con needs major overhauling. I dislike seeing so many of my friends so frustrated by the event. I hope that changes. There are some really good people there that really care a lot. They deserve to see their care realized into something fabulous.)
So I spent not-enough-time with my beloved [livejournal.com profile] ysobelle and her amazing purring collie (...no, really, she's learned how to purr and it's both adorable and WTF?), and I went back to the con hotel, where I was met with a whole lot of love.

Some of you will now be rolling your eyes and wondering why that should come as a surprise. The fact is, I've grown so used to the gas lighting and lies and slander told about me by a very small number of people that when someone takes me by the chin and raises my head to look past that, I am surprised to see that 99.9% of the people that touch my world see a very different image of me.

And yes, I see that vision in the reflection of my lover's eyes, and in the way my day to day friends treat me. The difference is that when you are completely surrounded by love coming from friends and acquaintances, when you literally can't walk down a hall without people hugging you..that right there? That's some powerful healing magic.

Having a friend tell me that oh, that pirate bangle bracelet was created with me in mind..having a coworker I've not seen in easily ten years or more tell me about the joy she had gotten for years from a saved note I'd given her at work and how watching me navigate tumultuous relationships and still stay friends with people had been amazing..having person after person tell me, softly, that they were so glad I was happy and doing well, that I deserve it..

Dear heavens, I am such a lucky woman. Thank you for loving me, for letting your hearts and your eyes be my mirror. Thank you, beloved friends, for the dazzling gifts of you.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-11-05 10:46 pm
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In which I am a CHARMER

My version of pillow talk:

My stomach: *guuuurgle*

Me: Ooops. Sorry. Sounded like distant thunder.

Bones: ...

Me: Ya know, it's always surprising to me how long it takes food to digest. Until you vomit. Then it's all 'HORK HORK HORRRK oh thank heavens I didn't eat todayHORRRRRK oops apparently I did..yay cheese!... but why does it taste sweet now? Wow that's disgusting...HORRRRRK!' Heh!

Bones: ...So I inspire you to talk about vomit. Great.

Me: No no my stomach did, because I don't really think I'm hungry but that was quite a grumble from it, and digestion is kinda...interesting...and...um..

Bones: ....

Me: I loooooove you.

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elionwyr: (barefoot)
2012-10-29 08:23 am
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It leaves a hole

In my reorganization effort, I decided to consolidate three boxes of memorabilia into one suitcase-shaped box.

Two of those boxes contained mostly childhood things..a baby shoe, the robe my mother made for toddler-me, my high school diploma...along with a few items from my 20s. The third box held things from past romantic relationships.

As I transferred things to the suitcase, I realized that there's a very obvious gap in my love life's history. Some of that is obviously due to the use of email and texting..but it's very obvious to me that the gap has much to do with my divorce as well.

Divorce changed my entire life. I lost my job, I left Philadelphia, I mostly stopped writing. I went from being the bread winner to struggling to survive. I stopped having dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I stopped being able to commit to much of anything.

That's changed over the past few years. And though I am very aware of most of that last paragraph, looking at the physical reminder of what I stopped doing was a sad thing.

There is so much in the undercurrents of a divorce.

A friend just wrote a few days ago about filling the now-empty side of the bed once occupied by his wife with stuff. Though the reason for his loss is death, not divorce, I relate. Until recently, I did the same, and I thought a lot about just getting a twin sized bed rather than deal with the unoccupied space next to me.

This isn't to say I am still in live with my ex husband. He is a huge part of my story, and I think he always will be. But no, it's more about the insidious effects of loss. How do you cope? How do you avoid? How do you heal?

Slowly. It gets better slowly, in ways you didn't know need fixing.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-10-23 06:08 pm
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A matter of pride

National Coming Out Day has come and gone, and was tarnished by Ann Coulter's ridiculous tweet, Last Thursday was national "coming out" day.This Monday is national "disown your son" day.

I don't generally have much to say about NCOD, other than to cheer folks on that are inspired to say, 'This is who I am.'. But in response to people like Coulter, or like Romney, who commented about gay people,"I didn't know you had families," and blocked an anti-bullying guide because it discussed bisexuals and transgendered people (http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/06/12/498033/governor-romney-blocked-anti-bullying-guide-for-discussing-bisexual-and-transgender-identities/?mobile=wp)... Well. I've got something to say about all that.

I knew at a very young age that I had a gay parent. I didn't understand sexuality, of course; I just knew my mom wasn't going to marry any man after my father.

I want to be very clear about that. I understood at a young age that love wasn't defined by gender.

It's a very simple concept. Love whom you will.

It's rather the way I looked at religion, in that the labels didn't matter to me. I still can't tell you which flavours of church I attended throughout my childhood. What mattered to me was how the church spoke to my spirit.

And when it came to love..well, it was a very similar thing.

On the other hand, I knew no one else with a family like mine. There were no celebrity couples proudly/cautiously announcing they were gay and they had kids. I don't think any of my friends knew about my mom. My stepmother was appalled that I knew, and there was colossal pressure on me to be straight.

Again, I was a child. On one hand, I was pretty open to just love. On the other, I ended up pretty much asexual, at a time when healthy exploration should have been my experience. I dated a boy or two. I adores a girl or two. And after a lot of time and growing, I learned how to be ok loving both kinds of people.

As a bisexual woman, lesbians I grew up with as parental figures rejected me in my adulthood.

As a bisexual woman that has had very different relationships with men and women, I was told I somehow didn't count as bi because I didn't meet people's expectations of what that label should look like/act like.

As a bisexual woman who has given her heart to her soulmate who happens to be male, I'm now told I'm straight.

I am 43 years old, and I am tired of other people's expectations and definitions.

And really, at the heart of it, an I bisexual? Omnisexual? Heterosexual?

I don't really care about the labels.

I'm a person that loves people, regardless of their trappings.

It would sure be nice for that to be enough for the world around me.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-10-08 08:51 am
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Storming the castle

A little over eight years ago, I moved to western Pennsylvania and dedicated the majority of my time to a haunted attraction that lived in the yard of the owners. A huge chunk of my time over the next four years ended up being dedicated to yard clean up, both inside and outside the maze. This not only meant beating back weeds, but also putting haunt stuff away, and keeping trash from piling up on the outside of the maze as much as I could.  The problem with doing work such as this - work done when hardly anyone is around - is that most people have no idea exactly how much you're doing.until you stop.

I stopped providing this service in 2008. 

This weekend, a small horde of us showed up to clean up roughly four years of neglect that was about to result in a hefty fine from the town.

It's a testament to the friend who owns the property that the six of us wanted to help. I've learned during my stay out here that unless there's something in it for the individual, the average person will not go very far out of her or his way to help another person out..but here we were, overfilling four rather large trucks with broken plywood and doors, monster-sized weeds, and varied other things left outside for far too long.

It was pretty amazing.

I'm told there was a concern expressed by some of my ex co-haunters that I was only there to steal stuff, that I was going to destroy things, and a stated intent to come watch to make sure I didn't do any such thing. Heh. Weather and neglect has done more to this shell of a haunt than I can describe, and I wish that those expressing concern would have bothered to focus that energy on not letting this haunt we all used to love become the husk it is right now.  But then, if they'd cared enough to do this non-glamourous work in the first place, things wouldn't have deteriorated to this extent.

Drama and hand flailing - and watching people work - is, apparently, more appealing than doing the right thing and cleaning up one's own mess.  But this is not my surprised face.

What matters, of course, is that the result of 7 people working a total of 63 hours/roughly 2 days was 4 dump trucks filled with crap that is no longer on our friend's property.  A good start, indeed.

<i>The last truck of the day - it would soon be as overfilled as the rest were.</i>

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-24 12:41 am
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Work snippet

I was trying to leave work Friday, but - as usual - was running late.

An older woman looked at me from the mail room, smiled, and turned to her mailbox..then walked over to my office to introduce herself and to ask if my coworker had left her some UPS forms.

I looked around and couldn't find the forms, so I called my coworker. She didn't answer -alas! - so I regretfully said I couldn't help her right now, but we could on Monday.

She asked, "Are you Dusti?"

Uh-oh. "Yes. Hi!"

"We've emailed a few times. You're very kind."

I smiled. "Kind isn't hard."

She half-smiled. "It is for a lot of people."


So as we start a new work week, I hope that Kind is waiting for you.

May it not be rare.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-21 11:08 pm
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O hai!

So there's this stretch of sidewalk near work that's landscaped with day lilies ..

And I noticed something different today in this little grouping of plants..

I've no idea when this bit of moonflower started to take off..the closest plant is two long blocks away..and considering how much I look at the bits of gardening every afternoon, I'm really surprised I never noticed this little guy until today.

Happy discovery!

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-13 07:15 pm
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Work snippet

Phone: *ring*
Me: Yes?
Boss: I'm having trouble finding this item you wanted to order from Office Depot.
Boss: You wrote down 'desk ponies - 1 box assorted.'
Me: *giggle*
Boss: What exactly is that?
Me: Well. You know. I thought an assortment of full sized ponies would be too large for the office.
Boss: The number doesn't work.
Me: And full sized pony poop wouldn't be so easy to clean up. So. Desk ponies.
Boss: *silence*
Me: Um. So. Never mind on that order.

(...I'm really not sure she caught on.)

(OTOH, if I get fired for trying to order desk ponies, that shit is BRAGGING rights.)

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-13 03:41 pm
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We attended a class today on applying for visas for foreign scholars.

The instructor kept calling them aliens.

I kept wanting to hum the theme song to "Men in Black."

Then she started discussing visas for aliens with extraordinary abilities. And that nearly broke my coworker.

And then I started doodling..

And we started giggling.
And the instructor commented on us giggling.
And I said, "Sorry. I'm just being 12."
And the room got very quiet.
And we giggled even more.


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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-12 07:09 pm
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Convo snippet

Me: Blood sugar was crashing. Getting food.
Me: Pumpkin milkshake FTW!
Bones: Awesome!
Me: Avoid carbs, right?
Bones: The milkshake kinda blew that... V:)
Me: D'oh.
Me: Mac and cheese it is!
Bones: facepalm
Me: :) Buffalo chicken Mac and cheese. You can probably hear my stomach screaming from there.
Bones: Oi. I'm positive that did more harm than good.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-09-11 12:12 pm
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Goat day pics!

So [livejournal.com profile] adelheid_p and her husband rescued me from frustration on Sunday and took me out to Brandywine Farm for Goat Day..which means a potluck lunch/dinner and playing with baby goats. Which is exactly what I needed.

Pics after the cut..

Read more... )

elionwyr: (talking)
2012-09-06 11:40 pm
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When I was a child, a chance encounter introduced me to a woman -Marian - that, in many ways, for a short time filled the need I had for a mother figure.

My brother followed me one day to see where I was finding sanctuary. I was very upset about this, and Marian tried to explain to him that we all need a place of our own.

I don't know if he ever found that place. For me, that sanctuary was precious..but it wasn't Family. Not really. I think Family became a Holy Grail of sorts for us both. He pursues it by being a chameleon - 'if I change into what you find acceptable, maybe you'll love/approve of me.' I pursue it by being awed by it and hoping - 'do you like who I am? can I stay?'*

What I've realized is that my being awed means I keep my distance. I find myself afraid of being a burden. And the path my brother walks is equally isolating in that he will sacrifice what and who he loves if it means acceptance.

We are not, of course, unique in our dysfuction. That is exactly as little comfort as one might imagine.

So. My family angst in music form. Someday I hope to get through either of these without crying.

"Haunted" - Poe
And I'm haunted / By the lives that I have loved / And actions I have hated / I'm haunted  / By the lives that wove the web / Inside my haunted  head

"Wild"- Poe 
I go wild 'cause you break me open / Wild 'cause you left me here

...Communication is NOT just words: communication 

Because of course it is quite obvious that a house 
Which would be built without
Would not look the
way your house looks today!

* And oh, yes, there is a special level of hell reserved for those who think 'family' is a game, a manipulation used to make people feel special so they can be used..and then 'catapulted' out of the 'family.'  Doesn't work that way. That's not a family.

elionwyr: (doit)
2012-08-23 05:44 pm
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Work day snippet

Prof: *carrying one of the huge piles of documents I printed/collated/stapled for her earlier* Hey, you missed a page.

Me: No.

Prof: No?

Me: No.

Prof: Yeah, you did.

Me: *checks file* No. NO. I don't understand, I - *looks at computer* What did you do? *looks at printer* Was it YOU? *looks at prof* I will have to beat these machines as soon as you leave.

Coworker: She can't help it. She's post menopausal.



We both start laughing..which means my loud obnoxious you-could-probably-hear-me-in-Ohio laugh.

Prof ran away.

....Yeeeeah. It was kinda like that all day.

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elionwyr: (Default)
2012-08-17 07:01 pm
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Though my eye doctor said I was on the border of needing bifocals, I find myself choosing to move my glasses to the top if my head whilst reading or playing on my phone. This means I spend good bits of time on the bus with no far vision.

It reminds me of when I was a child, refusing to wear my glasses and hoping it would force my vision to improve; of waking up ever hopeful that when I opened my eyes, the world would snap into focus.

It generally leaves me insecure, this feeling of not being able to see, and so it's odd that I am comfortable with my uncorrected nearsightedness now, in public, where I am vulnerable.

Age is weird.

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