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open letter to my blood family
..but not directed at my mother.
An event or two over the past week has shown that one or two of you are stopping in on LiveJournal to check on at least one of the Lewars family blogs. I'm not sure you're in my audience - I don't post many public things anymore, so this has probably been boring reading - and I'm not sure exactly which of the family is visiting.
It occurs to me that the person who posted anonymously to my mother's blog has no idea who I am. Not really. The version of Dusti you knew was not a healthy happy person. She was suicidal; she was struggling with a very active anxiety disorder; she was flirting with an eating disorder or two. And that's all pretty directly related to how most of my family has treated me through my life.
Now, I'm very lucky - VERY lucky - that there are people in my life (and reading along on LJ) - that knew the Dusti you knew, and loved me enough to stick with me. They're still here. They've seen me at my best and worst, and they're still here.
If you'd like to know who I am - who I actually am - instead of believing other people's stories, or throwing energy into misunderstandings about the past, or whatever you think happened that convinced you I'm not worth knowing - there are many people here I can refer you to as character witnesses. Heck, most of my readers are people I'd trust as references. It is one of the ways in which I am profoundly lucky.
Truth be told, I've spent years trying to figure out why you have negative opinions about me. I have been judgmental and opinionated about familial responsibilities - I own that - and yes, I wrote to my brother to tell him exactly why he was not invited to my wedding, after the way he handled invitations to his own - and yet I don't see it being enough for y'all to hold me in such negative favour. At the core of this family break is that confusion.
So. This open letter is an invitation for discovery and dialogue. Because (as a rather wise friend said to me the other day) there doesn't seem to be enough reason for this kind of family drama. I am choosing this format because it will allow you to ask for 'references' if you so desire, and because we grew up in a household full of closed doors - I don't want that here. And, truth be told, I've spent more than enough years wrongly being the family boogeyman, having too many words and actions falsely attributed to me.
Apparently at least one person in the family wants some sort of dialogue, if the anonymous posts in my mom's LJ are any indication.
Here's your chance.
An event or two over the past week has shown that one or two of you are stopping in on LiveJournal to check on at least one of the Lewars family blogs. I'm not sure you're in my audience - I don't post many public things anymore, so this has probably been boring reading - and I'm not sure exactly which of the family is visiting.
It occurs to me that the person who posted anonymously to my mother's blog has no idea who I am. Not really. The version of Dusti you knew was not a healthy happy person. She was suicidal; she was struggling with a very active anxiety disorder; she was flirting with an eating disorder or two. And that's all pretty directly related to how most of my family has treated me through my life.
Now, I'm very lucky - VERY lucky - that there are people in my life (and reading along on LJ) - that knew the Dusti you knew, and loved me enough to stick with me. They're still here. They've seen me at my best and worst, and they're still here.
If you'd like to know who I am - who I actually am - instead of believing other people's stories, or throwing energy into misunderstandings about the past, or whatever you think happened that convinced you I'm not worth knowing - there are many people here I can refer you to as character witnesses. Heck, most of my readers are people I'd trust as references. It is one of the ways in which I am profoundly lucky.
Truth be told, I've spent years trying to figure out why you have negative opinions about me. I have been judgmental and opinionated about familial responsibilities - I own that - and yes, I wrote to my brother to tell him exactly why he was not invited to my wedding, after the way he handled invitations to his own - and yet I don't see it being enough for y'all to hold me in such negative favour. At the core of this family break is that confusion.
So. This open letter is an invitation for discovery and dialogue. Because (as a rather wise friend said to me the other day) there doesn't seem to be enough reason for this kind of family drama. I am choosing this format because it will allow you to ask for 'references' if you so desire, and because we grew up in a household full of closed doors - I don't want that here. And, truth be told, I've spent more than enough years wrongly being the family boogeyman, having too many words and actions falsely attributed to me.
Apparently at least one person in the family wants some sort of dialogue, if the anonymous posts in my mom's LJ are any indication.
Here's your chance.
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I don't know that I'd consider a family that can't stick around during the bad times as well as the good to be much of a family at all. And you deserve better than that.
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As for sticking around - the family break I'm referring to actually happened as I was getting 'better'. My brother was solidly there for me when things were incredibly bad, which is in part what makes the break all the harder to deal with. Still, he hasn't communicated directly with me in close to 10 years, so I think it's fair to say he doesn't know who I evolved into being.
I am very lucky in that I have an amazing chosen family.
It is the break in the blood family that is continuing to cause pain. I'd very much like that to stop.
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How wonderful that your brother was there for you at your worst. How typical it is that when we heal ourselves, we become such a threat.
*hugs*, my dear.
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Best example was the accusation that I'd tried to kidnap my half brother. The reality was that my brother and I took him to lunch with
And somehow that was interpreted as a kidnapping attempt. 0_o
But, really. I have spent literally a lifetime being the family devil. I would very much like to give up the position. *wry grin*