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LJ Idol Week 9: Counterintuitive
"They're saying you tried to kidnap our brother."
"..Wait, what?"
"When you took Charlie and me out to lunch and left a note saying we were with you and you'd bring us back later? Charlie was grounded. He didn't tell us. So now the family story is that you tried to kidnap him."
There was more to the conversation, I'm sure. But these are the only words I remember. These, and the words that echoed in my head.
I don't deserve to eat.
If the people that had raised me could create this sort of fiction surrounding my actions...well, my god. My god. What kind of person must I be?
None of it was, of course, logical. Welcome to the workings of a dysfunctional family, where logic is a mythical beast, and personal accountability is non-existent. I grew up apologizing for everything, anything, longing for approval, and ended up here, in a life those I raised could never relate to, still being blamed for things I had never, would never, have done.
I don't deserve to eat led to my starving myself - not to the point of anorexia, but definitely to the point of needing help to start to eat correctly again. And sometimes the feeling of being hungry is a sensation I still find oddly addictive, still find oddly deserving.
I can't say that, even now, well over a decade after the above phone call occurred, that there is not still a part of me which longs for my family's approval. Family is still my holy grail. But when I look over my familial history, this is the point that I know I made a decision that saved my life...because it was at this point that I realized I had to stop trying to be a part of my father's dysfunctional world.
"..Wait, what?"
"When you took Charlie and me out to lunch and left a note saying we were with you and you'd bring us back later? Charlie was grounded. He didn't tell us. So now the family story is that you tried to kidnap him."
There was more to the conversation, I'm sure. But these are the only words I remember. These, and the words that echoed in my head.
I don't deserve to eat.
If the people that had raised me could create this sort of fiction surrounding my actions...well, my god. My god. What kind of person must I be?
None of it was, of course, logical. Welcome to the workings of a dysfunctional family, where logic is a mythical beast, and personal accountability is non-existent. I grew up apologizing for everything, anything, longing for approval, and ended up here, in a life those I raised could never relate to, still being blamed for things I had never, would never, have done.
I don't deserve to eat led to my starving myself - not to the point of anorexia, but definitely to the point of needing help to start to eat correctly again. And sometimes the feeling of being hungry is a sensation I still find oddly addictive, still find oddly deserving.
I can't say that, even now, well over a decade after the above phone call occurred, that there is not still a part of me which longs for my family's approval. Family is still my holy grail. But when I look over my familial history, this is the point that I know I made a decision that saved my life...because it was at this point that I realized I had to stop trying to be a part of my father's dysfunctional world.
no subject
My family of origin had a number of myths that basically amounted to how utterly awful I was. These stories were not, actually, true..., but there was no way I could plead another version, because they were all so fond of the Official Version that had me as Teh Bad.
It really hurt, and it even hurts now- 30+ years later- when i think about it. It participates a lot in my nightmares, even now.
Still, when I am awake... well, they're the ones missing out because we're not in contact. I am, in fact, a pretty cool person with a lot to offer, and since they'd rather suck up to my nasty mother- well, fuck them; they deserve the nastiness they get from her.
no subject
Damn RIGHT you are!
I'm certainly glad to know you, albeit 'only' from LJ. And I don't know if I've ever told you that..but it's very true. I rarely comment but I'm consistently reading and cheering you on.
re: sucking up
Yeah, that's some of what's going on over here, too.
I'm so sorry you have this parallel experience. You deserve better in the family lottery.
<3