elionwyr: (haunter)
(I wrote this a year or two ago, but hey..tis the season, and it provides some insight into the life of a haunter.)

How to Hang Camo Netting


Need to create the illusion of a ceiling? Camo netting may be the answer to your pseudo-ceiling needs!

Let's pretend you already have some of this lovely faux plant stuff, and you have, say, a hallway in an outdoor maze to hang it over.

You will need:
* camo (military is best)
* an industrial strength stapler
* a box of staples
* a bag of cable ties
* a ladder
* alcohol


1. Carry camo netting container to the area you plan to cover.

2. Release the camo from its container.

3. Attempt to untangle the camo from itself.

4. Curse a lot.

5. An hour later, finish stretching the camo out along the path of the area you wish to cover.
(Extra points for the number of times you realize the piece of camo you've selected doesn't actually fit the space.)

6. Lift end of camo up to the top of the wall with the aid of the ladder and, using the stapler, fasten an edge of the camo to the wall.

7. Stretch the camo to the other side of the hallway. Staple the camo to that wall.

8. Start to pull the camo along the tops of the walls, stapling as you go.

9. Drop your stapler.

10. Curse.

11. Go get your stapler and start working again.

12. Drop your box of staples.

13. Curse.

14. Pick up the staples, move the ladder while you're down there, and start to work on a new section of camo.
(Extra points if you put the ladder on top of the camo.)

15. Realize you've left the stapler at your last work location.

16. Curse.

17. Go get your stapler. Hug the camo netting to your chest and climb back up the ladder, moving the camo further down the hallway.

18. Discover, as you're stapling, that the camo is somehow working its way diagonally down the hall instead of straight across as you'd planned.

19. Keep working anyway.

20. Realize your arms are starting to itch from bare-skin contact with the camo.

21. Keep working anyway.

22. Staple through a power line, speaker cable or airhose that was running along the top of the wall and cleverly hidden by the camo.
(Extra points if you staple through all three at once.)

23. Curse loudly and with much vigor.

24. Take a swig of the alcohol.

25. Fix the holes in whatever the hell you just stapled through. Keep working.
(Extra points if you manage to fall off or slide down the ladder at any point during this adventure.)

26. Reach the end of the hallway. Climb down off your ladder. Look up.

27. Discover that, because the camo went off on a funky angle, you have a huge section of hall with no camo covering it.

28. Contemplate redoing the hallway.

29. Curse.

30. Begin to strongly suspect that the camo is actually a sentient being. That hates you. A lot.

31. Go find a scrap of camo. Using the ladder, staple gun, and LOTS of cable ties, connect the scrap of camo to the full sheet to hide the hole.

32. Drink the rest of the alcohol, scratch your arms, go take a shower.

Rinse, repeat.

Welcome to haunting!
elionwyr: (tools)
(Which still does not answer the question of why exactly I enjoy this so much, but bear with me.)
(And as with the zookeeper tales, details are vague to protect the purportedly innocent.)

I was hired a few years back to work for a multi-attraction show. My job was primarily to keep the work crews moving, which is indeed one of my stronger skills. After all, if you can keep teenage volunteers motivated and moving, you can herd many other types of cats with varied degrees of success.

I arrived in the evening and found that (a) I was the oldest person in the room; (b) I was one of the few women; (c) I'd been described to people as someone who had worked on attractions around the country.

If someone asks if you're a god? You say yes. And so yes, of course, absolutely that's true.

So the boss and I started talking about his shows. I pointed at the false ceiling material he was using for the Victorian-themed haunt. "What's that?"

"Oh, it's scrim." (Which, BTW, I still think is fairly brilliant.)

"How do you get it on top of the haunt?"

"Well, you climb the walls and you.." He paused, noting the expression on my face. "Oh. You don't do that, do you?"

"I don't yet, ya bastard. Show me how."

For context: the boss was, as I've said, younger than me. He was also taller and in MUCH better shape, so using a ladder to climb the 8 foot framed plywood walls so he could walk across the top of the panels? Not such a challenge.

For my hobbit-shaped self? Yeeeeeah, less with the 'woo this is easy!' and more with the 'ZOMG I'M GONNA FRIGGIN' DIE!!!'

But! Never show fear. Even when the proper response is 'NONONONONONO!' And so less than gracefully I clambered up the wall, staple gun in hand, clung like a terrified cat to whatever supports were nearby, and started working with the crew to fasten scrim to the tops of the panels to create a sort of plaster ceiling effect.

It was an awkward job, and I'm sure I was slower than he'd have liked, but I did indeed manage to not fall, which I assure you is a minor miracle in and of itself. And by the time the shows opened, I was able to trot at a respectful speed across the tops of the panels, scaring several of the scare actors in the process, whilst I hung last minute camo netting.

(..Worst band name EVER!)

And so when I think about why I enjoy haunting, often it's stories like this that come to mind - the ridiculous challenges to Self that are perhaps important only to me, being raised by a father who felt girls should never use tools.

February 2017

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