Jul. 15th, 2013 01:25 pm
elionwyr: (puppet)

I am a cop, sitting on a bed -thin mattress, no boxspring - watching the sky through a barred window, waiting for my partner to check in.

The sky goes lightning-fast from dusk to dark to dawn.  Time has tesseracted.

We are separated, and I can't find my way back.

I howl out a protest..

"Dusti?  Are you with me?"

Bones is holding my hand in the dark.  I've cried out in my sleep again.

My speech is slurred, but I stammer out a description of what was going on, why I screamed.  I apologize.

"You're not alone, my Squirrel."

He drifts off to sleep as I murmur another apology.

The dreams only fit a few of the descriptors of night terrors, so I'm not sure entirely what to call them...other than embarrassing. Frustrating.  Upsetting.  Sometimes, terrifying.  I can usually remember the part that made me scream, and I can usually figure out what my sleeping brain is struggling with, but that's not as reassuring as one might think.

While I can trace my anxiety back to childhood, I didn't have nightmares of this magnitude until I started having panic attacks in my early 20's.  Nightmares?  Yes, I had them, but not many, and they were generally repetitive:  someone is chasing me, meaning me harm, and I am hiding/running/trying to get away.  Those dreams stopped once I moved out of my father's home.

The screaming dreams have varied themes.  Ironically, I thought I'd conquered one of the themes this past weekend.  There is a recurring dream of me having to go into a house, usually to live there, and Something Bad is already there - a ghost, an animosity - and I am struggling to find a way to deal with it.  Usually, I lose, and I wake up screaming.  But a few nights ago, I worked my way through the entire dream, and woke up feeling relieved, even accomplished.

Last night's dream touched on one of the more common themes:

  • I am alone.

  • No one will hear me.

  • No one can help me.

That is the dream that started them all...the dream that inspired a strangled scream so horrible that it hurt my throat and terrified my mother, who thought someone was literally trying to kill me.

I think about the teenager I used to be, asking my psychology teacher to explain nightmares because nothing he had described in class connected at all to my dreamscape.  And I think that's what I find most frustrating about nights like last night.  Once Upon a Time, I didn't do this.

I want that to be my reality again.

elionwyr: (puppet)
There's been a theme in my dreamscape of ghost stories..of moving in or purchasing an abandoned house, and there's something bad in there. Something overwhelmingly bad in a bad vibey way. Generally I want to not be in there, and generally I wake up screaming. Which is to say that this isn't a common dream because I don't wake up screaming all that often...though from recent commentary, I wonder how often I am agitated in my sleep.

Houses generally represent us/our psyches. This site has some interesting ideas..

To see an old, run-down house in your dream represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking.

..To dream of a haunted house signifies unfinished emotional business, related to your childhood family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings.

The ghosts in my dreams are angry, angry things. Taking all things into account, and that my ghost dreams have spanned the past several years, that makes a fair bit of sense. Usually the houses are reminiscent of ones I've seen in Germantown, PA - a bit away from the road, down a bit of a slope, made of stone and shingled in wood or slate, surrounded by trees. Looks cooled by the forest but too shady to allow much growth around it. And always empty for too long, with a ghostly inhabitant that doesn't want anyone else within the walls.

Usually I'm with a small group to begin with, and they don't see/feel a problem. Sometimes I end up going back alone, and that's when the ghost is at its worst.

Last night I had a ghost dream wherein I moved into a house and my bedroom was the kitchen, with my mattress literally on the stove. (I don't generally go much for other people's dream interpretations, but the above website says about kitchens: To see a kitchen in your dream signifies your need for warmth, spiritual nourishment and healing. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen represents a transformation. Something new or life altering is about to occur. That rather fits..)

There was a laptop computer with text covering the screen - I ignored it at first, then realized it had been written by the ghost. Details have faded, but..not a happy ghost,and yet not as angry a ghost as the past ones have been. But a ghost that wanted to become flesh again.

I was very concerned, and I realized the ghost had been answering questions we'd been asking though we'd not seen the typed out answers. Then the ghost was also texting me, twice. (Two is an interesting number - "Number 2 is the most sensitive of all numbers." made me laugh.

Anyway. I took this data and looked for my mom, wanting to show it to her, hoping she'd believe and hear me..which she did. (Seeing her sitting on a mattress, wearing her glasses and ready to analyze made me miss her a lot.) We started going through the data and trying to figure out what the best response would be.

I don't know who or what the ghost is, exactly. I feel like it's facets of things in my psyche. I woke up disturbed but not panicked/screaming, which is Of The Good...though odd to wake up in the middle of the night, as generally once I'm out, I'm out until 6AM. If the ghost is symbolizing emotion or perhaps mental demons, I'd much rather be in a mental/emotional position where I'm able to communicate and be rational, work through the message.

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