Sep. 10th, 2012

elionwyr: (barefoot)
This wasn't much on my radar today, until I saw a tweet from The Bloggess about Wil Wheaton posting about depression after she posted about depression/suicide, and so - la, here's my post on the subject.

So I struggle with depression. I'm pretty open about it, both in my virtual and physical lives. And sometimes it's over my family, and sometimes it's because of my anxiety - I apparently suffer from anxious depression, which is ever such lovely news - and sometimes I am depressed for no reason I can actually map out to anyone. Sometimes it's the startled realization that my body is exhibiting signs of depression or anxiety all by its lonesome and I wasn't catching on fast enough because I was too caught up in the noise in my head and life to notice.

A few times in my life, I have found myself hitting my mental/emotional fill line. And the only logical reaction is to contemplate suicide.

People say that's a selfish thought. I disagree - quite strongly, and with many colourful NSFW words - because what I hear in that sentiment is 'you're thinking about suicide and that will seriously screw up my life'..which may be true. But imagine you're back in school and you're running that fucking mile for gym class and really, you hit a point where this seems like the stupidest thing ever, you don't care about the clock or the task or the judgmental looks from the jocks..you start walking, and if you could, you'd just sit down and stop because you really really really don't give a damn about anything except not running anymore.

You've hit that fill line. You are DONE.

And that's pretty much what it's been like for me at those times.

What gets me through it? One person. It's always been pretty much one person. One person that answered the phone and gave me the gift of hours of talking. One person that wrapped his arms around me and quietly held me through the night. One person that wrote something on Facebook that hit me just right at just the right time.

None of them knew they were saving my life.

And so as this day of awareness ends, I think that's the message I really want to express..that you can save someone's life completely by accident. Just by caring.

Never underestimate the power of your words, the power of your random acts of kindness.

Jenny asked people to share what gets us through the dark days. Often, it's been my cat. Lurk deserves to be safe and fed, and the one time he saw Death, it freaked him the hell out...he howled for a week after Hades passed away. I won't do that to him.

She also asked that we share what music helps us. When I'm dealing with family crap, most of Poe's "Haunted" album does the trick (even if I do cry through parts of the songs). When I feel shaky, VNV Nation is my musical drug of choice..."Fearless" is a really good one, as is "Epicentre."

I'll leave you with "Fearless" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pi_bAtUBtTk - and the reminder that if you struggle with suicidal thoughts, or anxiety, or depression...you dazzling creature, you are not alone.

And it does get better.

And yeah, I thought that was bullpoop, too.
..It wasn't.

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