May. 9th, 2012

elionwyr: (cephalopod)
When I was a child, I remember taking Mother's Day rather seriously...carefully shopping for tiny gifts for my stepmother at the local Boscov's is a vivid memory.

So is having nearly every small trinket returned to me.

Years later, I was shown a letter from my stepmother where she wrote about her displeasure that my brother and I called her 'mom,' that she wouldn't have wanted her kids to call anyone else 'mom.' It was..educational, shall we say.

I'm sure my mementos of the day to my mom were better received. I've realized this week that I stopped thinking much about this holiday, and I've promised to do better with her. I can't blame it all on those negative memories around another woman, though.

Here's the deal:
When you're a stepmom, you tread on shaky ground. You're not mom. You are taking on a role because you love that child. And if you go through a divorce, you don't stop loving the child, but...
I haven't seen or spoken to the child I loved before I loved her father in, what, 8 years. Someone else is her stepmom. I still love her. She knows how to contact me. She hasn't. I of course respect that.

There's no place in Mother's Day for an ex-stepmom.

Here's the more complicated deal:
When you become pregnant and you choose to not be a mother, there is also no place for you on this day, either.

I used to have friends that would send me cards on Mother's Day - not because of my decisions, but because of how I treated my circle of friends. That was very sweet, and rather precious. My ex used to make sure I got gifts on the day from his daughter, which was also very sweet, and always a surprise.

But this isn't a holiday I think about very much, or put energy into remembering for others. It probably makes me a not-so-good friend to the moms in my life, and it's not an intentional disrespect.

It's just complicated.
It's very complicated.

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