Mar. 30th, 2011

elionwyr: (i heard that)
In 1996, I decided to participate in a fundraising bike ride that was to go from Philly to DC - 300 miles in 3 days, over *many* hilly country roads as we were gearing up for a typical Philadelphia summer.

Which means it wasn't July-in-Florida hot but it was..wicked hot.

I was a few years away from turning 30 and I was doing this ride as an act of love towards the gay community, and, admittedly, as a bit of a freak-out about my age. I focused a lot on my fundraising; I didn't focus as much on my training. So out of those 300 miles, I made...oh, about 150. Which still frustrates me to this day. (The other way of looking at this is that I rode 150 miles in 3 - well, 2-1/2 - days with little training. But that's too positive, so let's just focus on wah wah wah I didn't succeed, shall we? *laugh*)

An ex boyfriend also did the ride, and though I was not kind to him - to put it nicely - it was a good thing that I wasn't completely on my own. And this goes back to the topic of this post: fragility.

I am stubborn. Really stubborn. And on the first day of the ride, oh, I wanted SO badly to do well. And it was, as I've said, wicked hot. I forget if it was the first or second day when Chris told me I was scaring him because I had this LOOK on my face - sheer determination to keep on going, no matter what.

What I discovered was that sheer force of will wasn't quite enough. We got to the lunch break stop on the first day and my memory of what happened was someone - maybe Chris - asked me if I was ok, and I replied, "Yeah - I just need to take a nap."

...And then I passed out.

I woke up under a tree with my head in his lap, still wanting to keep on going. I was (gently) told no, you're done, they won't let you continue today.

Oh, heartbreak. :(

Over the winter, I saw some comments here across LJ from some of y'all describing me as fragile. And one of my first thoughts was, 'What? Who, me? Rawr, I'm not fragile!' And then I thought about it some more, because y'all know that's what I do.

And then I started having some hypertension issues. Pretty sure it was all stress related, but my goodness is it frustrating-scary to find yourself having to sit down because you're dizzy, because your heart is racing for no earthly good reason and you have no control over it.

While I am still plenty full of 'rawr!' and 'don't accept limits and defeat and inner demons - fight back or die trying' I am also reluctantly starting to admit that possibly, just possibly, I'm a delicate flower after all.



Mar. 30th, 2011 07:35 pm
elionwyr: (barefoot)
perhaps it was fated
this shiver, this recurring
comedy of bad timings

the shock of recognition
but not now, o love not now

and we reach back to us
from when we've worked it out
whispered yes, o darling yes
try it now before it's time

before we made it happen
there was this almost-moment
and then another, here
where we could have joined
and spared ourselves years

and we hear us whispering
and we cast a cautious glance
and urged by our futures
we rewrite our pasts

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